This one had the potential to make sense, if I could remember the first half which for now is just a blur of livin' in the city, bludgeoning people in dark alleyways and fully recovering from injury with nothing but a band-aid. But I'm sure whatever happened was really good and frankly you should have been there.
But what I do remember starts off at my house, which just seems to change shape and structure frequently so I don't know what the fuck is going on there. But I go upstairs to play some goddamn video games cuz y'know me. I'm playing what could be an intensely gory Killer Instinct like this but that sexy slice of skeleton was a zombie instead and this fight was taking place in my room, which I never called into question, I just more or less attributed it to one of those fancy new virtual reality things you kids got going for ya today.
Speaking of kids, all my neighbors came over to my house to watch me play video games because I'm just cool like that. One pair of kids in particular were mighty familiar but I never really looked into that, even when it was basically confirmed that these two were the real thing out of the actual game, but fuck that I got nerds to 1v1.
Then my house transforms to...uhhhh.
Kinda like an ewok village/island resort looking place which is a nice way of saying WHERE'D MY FUCKIN HOUSE GO IT JUST KINDA DISAPPEARED I CAN'T PLAY VIDYA ANYMORE GODDAMN. But whatever, after mingling with my guests for a while I just kind of fucked off to the moon.
No, you read that right.
Accompanying me on my trip are another group of kids that look mighty- OH GODDAMMIT. Can you call copyright claims on my dreams? Jesus Christ.
But whatever, after walking around on a moon base for a while (Yes, there was a base on the moon.) We then learn about it's past (that involved a race of long dormant aliens being awakened after a soda machine was accidentally set to explode by- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I DON'T EVEN- No, no. It's fine. I don't care.
Then my crack team of agents comes across a destroyed robot that was to be sent back in time to just kinda help me out with whatever, after my mechanic fixes what basically looked like a pile of scrap earlier now looks like- FUCKING-
We delve into the twisted catacombs of an alien hive, fighting our way through unsightly abominations which I couldn't even describe to you if I tried, and eventually we come across the leader of the aliens which is- oh fuck off I'm done.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Friday, January 30, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
SHIT'S FUCKED, YO.
Hey I'm not dead I just couldn't think of anything to write about.
So if you've ever read a single page of this blog (and why would you?) you've probably noticed by way of behavioral instability, undying thirst for vengeance and getting really upset about no MOTHER 3 representatives in the new smash. You may have come to the realization that I'm...uhhhh...
Unhinged.
Crazy, insane, wuh wuh wuh wacky. I could go on.
But sure, despite all this I've always felt that I've shared a sense of unity with my own mind, I'm not talking zen here, I just mean that my brain isn't actively against me. Sure we enjoy screwing around with each other, I like to subject it to awful shit on the internet and it doesn't let me sleep ever. It's subconscious witty banter and the like.
But that kinda changed last night.
I have two kinds of dreams, I believe there are examples of both also in this blog.
1. Completely abstract and surreal, revolves around nothing in particular, can go literally anywhere.
2. Follows a (barely) coherent story, tends to imply messages and themes.
I also have two different kinds of nightmares.
1. Torture session.
2. Sightly more coherent longer torture session.
Sometimes (albeit rarely) I have follow up dreams that continue from one of my previous dreams, this has happened in the same night, on the next day, and once months and months from the original dream. My nightmares have never really followed suit on this.
But that kinda changed last night. (See I did that again pretty cool, huh?)
The first night I must have had eight or so nightmares, each one becoming more and more vivid and more and more clear in it's goals, to scare the shit out of me. It had succeeded, but nightmares are nightmares, right? I didn't really think about it.
What really stuck with me though, was the sort of transitions between nightmares, it would be me 'waking up' in my room, with each nightmare it became more and more convincing, like it was learning how to trick me, it had even nailed that dreary sort of vision when you first wake up and you're all like "just five more minutes please."
These transitions ended in all kinds of ways, sometimes I would think nothing of it and go back to 'sleep,' sometimes I'd get up and go into the living room where I'd find lots of dead bodies, Or I'd stay in my bed as I started to realize I wasn't awake.
But like I said, nightmares are just nightmares, right? No biggie, and it's not like it's the first time it does that fake wake up thing, it's happened plenty of times.
But the next night is what really fucked with me.
The first nightmare was me playing Five Nights at Freddy's 3. Except it wasn't, it was sort of like an ARG (Sort of like how they changed Portal's ending to lead into Portal 2.) Five Nights at Freddy's 2 had changed to lead into FNAF3.
It was 6AM, Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria had been reduced to ruins, singed and destroyed animatronics were littered on the ground. My objective? Get in my car, drive out of the parking lot and GTFO of there. Easy, right? Except you were playing a FNAF game, and for whatever reason you felt obliged to check the passenger seat for some spooky robot trying to kill you in it's final machine breaths. But you can't. It's 6AM. They're all dead.
You've won.
I've always loved it when video games blend the story with game mechanics in such a way to make a point. Like that scene in Hotline Miami, when you respawn even though it doesn't make sense, you just got shot by a rat looking motherfucker in your own house. MOTHERFUCKER YOU DEAD.
Stranger still, I wasn't actually playing this game- Well, I was. But at the same time I was watching a youtuber playing it. Complete with face-cam so you can see every time they're like AAH SO SCARY. I could actually skip forward into the video while still playing the game, I was basically fast forwarding time. And you know how they give you a little preview if you hover over a certain time in a YouTube video. Yeah, well I could see a jumpscare into the future and just kinda skipped it like that. Huh.
And then I wake up and go back to sleep or whatever I don't even know.
The next nightmare was the kicker though, I was in a house with two concerned parents, some motherfucker was like openly mocking them for having a severe down-syndrome kid. I'm talking like serious brain damage, barely alive, always in severe pain for the rest of his life. It's sort of a gray area whether or not that kind of person should be 'put to sleep.'
As a morally just and caring person I immediately console these two parents, which was a big fucking mistake because they were both completely insane. The mother was on a serious hair trigger and would probably tear out my jugular if I said the wrong thing. The father was just odd and burst out into rap at points. This situation became increasingly more uncomfortable and tense until I 'woke up' for the last time.
Everything was fine, but I could see odd things happening in my peripheral vision, until eventually I felt a burning sensation, looking down, I could see and feel my flesh melting away. As it bubbled and warped I hear a loud shrill voice: "ARE YOU READY FOR MORE FUN?!"
No I certainly fucking wasn't, I started panicking and woke up for realsies. For hours I refused to go back to sleep in fear of what could happen next. The way my nightmares became increasingly more malevolent over the course of two days was terrifying.
so yeah fuck sleep im staying awake forever
So if you've ever read a single page of this blog (and why would you?) you've probably noticed by way of behavioral instability, undying thirst for vengeance and getting really upset about no MOTHER 3 representatives in the new smash. You may have come to the realization that I'm...uhhhh...
Unhinged.
Crazy, insane, wuh wuh wuh wacky. I could go on.
But sure, despite all this I've always felt that I've shared a sense of unity with my own mind, I'm not talking zen here, I just mean that my brain isn't actively against me. Sure we enjoy screwing around with each other, I like to subject it to awful shit on the internet and it doesn't let me sleep ever. It's subconscious witty banter and the like.
But that kinda changed last night.
I have two kinds of dreams, I believe there are examples of both also in this blog.
1. Completely abstract and surreal, revolves around nothing in particular, can go literally anywhere.
2. Follows a (barely) coherent story, tends to imply messages and themes.
I also have two different kinds of nightmares.
1. Torture session.
2. Sightly more coherent longer torture session.
Sometimes (albeit rarely) I have follow up dreams that continue from one of my previous dreams, this has happened in the same night, on the next day, and once months and months from the original dream. My nightmares have never really followed suit on this.
But that kinda changed last night. (See I did that again pretty cool, huh?)
The first night I must have had eight or so nightmares, each one becoming more and more vivid and more and more clear in it's goals, to scare the shit out of me. It had succeeded, but nightmares are nightmares, right? I didn't really think about it.
What really stuck with me though, was the sort of transitions between nightmares, it would be me 'waking up' in my room, with each nightmare it became more and more convincing, like it was learning how to trick me, it had even nailed that dreary sort of vision when you first wake up and you're all like "just five more minutes please."
These transitions ended in all kinds of ways, sometimes I would think nothing of it and go back to 'sleep,' sometimes I'd get up and go into the living room where I'd find lots of dead bodies, Or I'd stay in my bed as I started to realize I wasn't awake.
But like I said, nightmares are just nightmares, right? No biggie, and it's not like it's the first time it does that fake wake up thing, it's happened plenty of times.
But the next night is what really fucked with me.
The first nightmare was me playing Five Nights at Freddy's 3. Except it wasn't, it was sort of like an ARG (Sort of like how they changed Portal's ending to lead into Portal 2.) Five Nights at Freddy's 2 had changed to lead into FNAF3.
It was 6AM, Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria had been reduced to ruins, singed and destroyed animatronics were littered on the ground. My objective? Get in my car, drive out of the parking lot and GTFO of there. Easy, right? Except you were playing a FNAF game, and for whatever reason you felt obliged to check the passenger seat for some spooky robot trying to kill you in it's final machine breaths. But you can't. It's 6AM. They're all dead.
You've won.
I've always loved it when video games blend the story with game mechanics in such a way to make a point. Like that scene in Hotline Miami, when you respawn even though it doesn't make sense, you just got shot by a rat looking motherfucker in your own house. MOTHERFUCKER YOU DEAD.
Stranger still, I wasn't actually playing this game- Well, I was. But at the same time I was watching a youtuber playing it. Complete with face-cam so you can see every time they're like AAH SO SCARY. I could actually skip forward into the video while still playing the game, I was basically fast forwarding time. And you know how they give you a little preview if you hover over a certain time in a YouTube video. Yeah, well I could see a jumpscare into the future and just kinda skipped it like that. Huh.
And then I wake up and go back to sleep or whatever I don't even know.
The next nightmare was the kicker though, I was in a house with two concerned parents, some motherfucker was like openly mocking them for having a severe down-syndrome kid. I'm talking like serious brain damage, barely alive, always in severe pain for the rest of his life. It's sort of a gray area whether or not that kind of person should be 'put to sleep.'
As a morally just and caring person I immediately console these two parents, which was a big fucking mistake because they were both completely insane. The mother was on a serious hair trigger and would probably tear out my jugular if I said the wrong thing. The father was just odd and burst out into rap at points. This situation became increasingly more uncomfortable and tense until I 'woke up' for the last time.
Everything was fine, but I could see odd things happening in my peripheral vision, until eventually I felt a burning sensation, looking down, I could see and feel my flesh melting away. As it bubbled and warped I hear a loud shrill voice: "ARE YOU READY FOR MORE FUN?!"
No I certainly fucking wasn't, I started panicking and woke up for realsies. For hours I refused to go back to sleep in fear of what could happen next. The way my nightmares became increasingly more malevolent over the course of two days was terrifying.
so yeah fuck sleep im staying awake forever
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
this is the best game of all time
Wow.
That's amazing.
Thank you for the really impressive changes Riot.
I am just in love with what you do here.
nyeeeEEEEHYEEYAHGHARGYRHGHRAGHASJDHGKLHGJHSDLGHLKAJGKLJDSHG
Thursday, December 11, 2014
FUCK I'M FALLING DOWN ALL THESE ALISTAIRS
Now that we're in preseason and everything is in total fucking chaos, the meta is all over the place with some champions finding stupidly OP power surges (Like Warwick, they did nerf him but his kit is still cringy.) and all the new champions are either ridiculously buggy, (Azir) needlessly complicated, (Kalista) or just plain useless. (Rek'Sai) I'm really glad that some part of Riot Games has their priorities straight.
A lot of the older champions look like fucking garbage (like Kennen, Poppy, Mundo, Tristana, Morgana and of course FIDDLESTICKS-senpai) so of course there's a lot to fix and Riot Games (Responsible for League of Legends like the biggest competitive online game ever) can't do everything at once with what their 3 man team. So Alistar is OBVIOUSLY the highest priority on the VU board.
Not this guy.
Or this girl.
It's the moose.
Thank you again, Riot.
For being the best game company ever.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Freddy Fazbear and Co. visit an insomniac, hilarity ensues.
It's 2:00AM.
I'm in my bed, I can't sleep. I've been staring at my clock for what feels like hours, but it never changes. Is the goddamn thing broken? Fuck, I really don't need that right now.
I'm hearing a lot of noises, but I'm paranoid so I'm used to it. Scratching at my wardrobe door? I'm fine. Clattering and banging from upstairs? I can dig it. The Toreador March- Wait. The Toreador March?
Oh fuck.
Oh fuck.
The door swings open, and there he stands. It's Freddy. We stare at each other for a solid minute before he slowly makes his way toward me, now inches from my face his mouth opens and in the most creepy, mechanical voice I've ever heard he whispers.
"Are...
You...
Ready...
For...
Your hot chocolate?"
Wait. What the fuck? You're not serious.
"We heard you haven't been sleeping well lately and, well. We've all been pretty worried about you." He motions towards the door, I can see Chica staring at me intensely. But where's...
"BonnIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" He straight up ends the word with the death scream from the game. Fuck fuck fuck my heart skipped a beat.
I can hear someone coming down the stairs, Bonnie enters the room.
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NyeehhhHHHHHHH he's scary.
"Would you go make Brandon a cup of hot chocolate? One of your best please."
Bonnie turns his head towards me for a second, then lurches back upstairs.
"There, that should help. Oh, we kicked Foxy out into your garden- you know how he gets. Don't let him in, whatever you do."
And with that, Freddy leaves and closes the door behind him.
This isn't fucking happening, this nightmare is just an extremely tense bait-and-switch, we all know what's going to happen, just never when.
I look to my window, and I can see Foxy.
FFFFFUCK, his eyes burn into my soul.
We exchange glances, but I look away and try my best to ignore him.
Minutes pass, I can still feel Foxy's eyes on me, I'm starting to get nervous.
Then I hear knocking at my window.
"Psst. Hey. Hey. HEY.
C'mere matey."
I don't want to, but I do it anyway, would Foxy really try anything?
"Open the door, lad. I won't go hurtin' ye."
Out of guilt, I agree to it. I sneak out of my room and to the back door, I don't see any of the other animatronics around.
I can see Foxy's face through the window. I didn't think suits like that could smile. But I swear he was.
I slowly turn the doorknob just slightly, but that's all he needed. He immediately bursts through the door and gives me what I can only assume to be a very violent hug, but I woke up.
That morning, I check steam and Five Night's at Freddy's 2 is now available.
Now, I'm not saying I'm a prophet. A godlike entity that should be worshipped as I unwillingly predict events. I'm not saying that. I'm just implying it.
I'm in my bed, I can't sleep. I've been staring at my clock for what feels like hours, but it never changes. Is the goddamn thing broken? Fuck, I really don't need that right now.
I'm hearing a lot of noises, but I'm paranoid so I'm used to it. Scratching at my wardrobe door? I'm fine. Clattering and banging from upstairs? I can dig it. The Toreador March- Wait. The Toreador March?
Oh fuck.
The door swings open, and there he stands. It's Freddy. We stare at each other for a solid minute before he slowly makes his way toward me, now inches from my face his mouth opens and in the most creepy, mechanical voice I've ever heard he whispers.
"Are...
You...
Ready...
For...
Your hot chocolate?"
Wait. What the fuck? You're not serious.
"We heard you haven't been sleeping well lately and, well. We've all been pretty worried about you." He motions towards the door, I can see Chica staring at me intensely. But where's...
"BonnIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" He straight up ends the word with the death scream from the game. Fuck fuck fuck my heart skipped a beat.
I can hear someone coming down the stairs, Bonnie enters the room.
NyeehhhHHHHHHH he's scary.
"Would you go make Brandon a cup of hot chocolate? One of your best please."
Bonnie turns his head towards me for a second, then lurches back upstairs.
"There, that should help. Oh, we kicked Foxy out into your garden- you know how he gets. Don't let him in, whatever you do."
And with that, Freddy leaves and closes the door behind him.
This isn't fucking happening, this nightmare is just an extremely tense bait-and-switch, we all know what's going to happen, just never when.
I look to my window, and I can see Foxy.
We exchange glances, but I look away and try my best to ignore him.
Minutes pass, I can still feel Foxy's eyes on me, I'm starting to get nervous.
Then I hear knocking at my window.
"Psst. Hey. Hey. HEY.
C'mere matey."
I don't want to, but I do it anyway, would Foxy really try anything?
"Open the door, lad. I won't go hurtin' ye."
Out of guilt, I agree to it. I sneak out of my room and to the back door, I don't see any of the other animatronics around.
I can see Foxy's face through the window. I didn't think suits like that could smile. But I swear he was.
I slowly turn the doorknob just slightly, but that's all he needed. He immediately bursts through the door and gives me what I can only assume to be a very violent hug, but I woke up.
That morning, I check steam and Five Night's at Freddy's 2 is now available.
Now, I'm not saying I'm a prophet. A godlike entity that should be worshipped as I unwillingly predict events. I'm not saying that. I'm just implying it.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Ohhhhhhhhhh nnnnnooooooooo
Not another insanity-induced nightmare, surely? Yeah that's right FUCK YOU IT'S THAT TIME.
This one's short so count your blessings.
I'm lying on my bed drawing, in a house I used to live in waaaaaaay waaaaaaay waaaaay motherfuckin' back in England. I'm impressed at how vividly I remember it.
As I'm drawing fuck knows what some anime girl shows up in the reflection on paper. I can buy that.
"Hey senpai! Are you gonna draw me today?"
Did that actually just happen.
Did someone actually just motherfuckin' say that in my dream.
No FUCK YOU. My dreams are better than this.
Seeking something a little more original, I put my drawing book to the side (and out of the fucking window.) And turn on the lights (It was getting dark and I get sceeeaaaared) And it immediately breaks and starts sending sparks everywhere. Like a lot of fucking sparks everywhere. The entire room is just sparks, I leave the room and they're still hitting me. I'm downstairs far away from the room, still sparks.
I burst into the next room hoping there'll be someone to help me, when I notice that my Dad and a perfect duplicate of him are sitting in this room.
I have two dads.
I have two-
I have- I have-
I have two dads.
Fuck it, I'm out. This is a world I don't want to live in. In a desperate attempt to escape, I do the worst thing imaginable, I open the door to the outside, in the infinite dark.
Here's one thing you never, ever do in one of my nightmares, you don't go fuckin' wandering in the dark unless you want some serious shit to go down. It's basically an invitation for my brain to send in the most fucked up things it can imagine. It's just become a rule for me at this point, one I follow subconsciously, BUT I WANTED THIS ONE TO STOP. IT WAS DUMB. ANIME GIRLS, FUCKIN' SPARKS, TWO DADS. I WANTED IT ALL TO END. IT HAD TO END. IF THAT MEANT FACING THE WORST OF THE WORST, THE SCARIEST OF THE SCARY. SO BE IT.
Then I hear his voice.
"Ah've got ye naow, laddeh."
I don't actually have to tell you whose voice that was, right?
It could have brought in anything.
But it brought in Shrek.
Granted, I was fucking petrified at the time, but in retrospect, really? Was that really the best it could do?
I was feeling extra special brave at this point, already having slapped a 'traumatize me' sticker on my back and waltzing in to the fucking dead zone, so in the most dismissive essex boy accent (of which I am so well known for) I could muster, I simply say "fuk off m8" but all that came out was a strangled whisper.
"Come closer, let meh see yer face."
He has me now.
It was all ogre.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
DUDE WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HONESTLY THINK PEOPLE CARE
No it's okay hear me out this one's a NIGHTMARE woooOOoOoOoOoOoo.
Kay so it starts out at my house or a really uncomfortable blend of past houses I've been in, and I'm having a party YEEAAHHHH WOOOOOOOO so naturally in this kind of craaazy situation I sit down with a couple of friends and...watch tv.
Mmm.
So yeah we're watching Whose Line is it Anyway but not because it has some weird taste testing thing incorporated into it? (Whose Meal is it Anyway?) And I'm watching myself in it on live broadcasting? Like at first I dismiss it as a lookalike, but not only does he look like me, he talks, acts, and seems utterly disinterested in what's going on and is only there to screw around with the other competitors...like me.
Yeah so a whole lot of fucking nothing happens for a while, but then I start hearing noise, cheering and clapping and music and whatnot, I go outside and it's... everyone.
Literally everyone I have ever met is there.
Just dancing.
And I'm pretty sure it's the greatest thing ever.
Like it's not just everyone I KNOW, it's everyone I KNOW OF. Friends, family, youtube personalities (you haven't LIVED until you've seen Totalbiscuit krumping, by the way.) hell even fictional characters (no one ever brought up how that's possible but sure that's fine.)
Seeing this bizarre spectacle, I immediately walk back inside, I'm missing my boring-ass show.
Fffffffuck you, me.
I walk back upstairs, and I notice that all my friends are gone (maybe they're all off dancing? one of them's in the bathroom just next to my room, the light's on so...) I also notice that it's dead silent.
I can't hear any of the people outside anymore, the tv's off, the lights are off (save for the bathroom which is the only thing just barely illuminating the room I'm in.
Okay, little fun fact about me: I HATE the quiet, like not the peaceful kind of quiet where you can tell there are things going on around you. It's dead fucking silence I'm terrified of. Also the dark, yeah, fuck the dark? It's why I'm not much of a night person because silence and dark go hand in hand at that time like motherfuckin' gravy and skittles the point is I DO NOT LIKE THIS AT ALL.
So at this point I'm not even daring myself to move an inch, when I hear knocking at my door, I'm sure it's one of my friends and I immediately rush to open it.
That's when a zombie teenage girl (that I might have been able to recognize had she not have been decomposing.) looks at me with the creepiest face ever. "I WAS IN THAT BATHROOM FOR FIFTEEN YEARS, BRANDON."
That line was ridiculous to me even then, not even in one of the scariest scenarios possible for me could I not be scared because of that fucking line.
And then I woke up, or something. Admittedly the next four or so hours are a fucking mess for me. It might have been about three instances of me waking up inside a nightmare with me waking up in real life between that. I couldn't fucking tell you even if I tried. I'd 'wake up' to knocking at my door, then I'd be walking around investigating 'my room' finding dead bodies in my closet and portals to another dimension as my doors. I might have been scaring the shit out of someone by walking around my house at 5am or I might have never left my bed, the jury's out on that one. I don't really think I want to know either.
The last nightmare I can remember revolves playing TF2 with THESE FAGGOTS which is weird because I don't even like TF2 or THOSE FAGGOTS but that's cool that's fine. We're playing on a map that I honestly don't think actually exists. It's a dock that's nearly pitch black, you can see like 5ft in front of you. It would be kinda cool if it wasn't terrifying.
And you know it was kind of fun, there was banter and whatnot, you'd kill someone and then beg they come back immediately because goddamn is it scary up in here.
Eventually because I'm the best TF2 player ever the three of them ganged up on me and I had no choice but to pull off the most amazing badassery ever, KILLED EM ALL IN ONE HIT EACH. Save for the last guy that tried hacking but fuck that guy he CAN'T BEAT ME. YOU READING THIS, MOTHERFUCKER?
Anyway, after my glorious victory I couldn't help but notice that they all ragequit. And I was stuck in that server.
By myself.
In the dark.
Ohhhh.
I think I was using an oculus rift or something because 1. I had been playing the game through my eyes the whole time and 2. I had no idea how to open the menu and leave. So I was stuck wandering forever.
And I know something utterly horrifying happened at the very end of the nightmare before I woke up for realsies. But I don't remember, it's a trauma thing I guess. All I remember was this looking at me.
Kay so it starts out at my house or a really uncomfortable blend of past houses I've been in, and I'm having a party YEEAAHHHH WOOOOOOOO so naturally in this kind of craaazy situation I sit down with a couple of friends and...watch tv.
Mmm.
So yeah we're watching Whose Line is it Anyway but not because it has some weird taste testing thing incorporated into it? (Whose Meal is it Anyway?) And I'm watching myself in it on live broadcasting? Like at first I dismiss it as a lookalike, but not only does he look like me, he talks, acts, and seems utterly disinterested in what's going on and is only there to screw around with the other competitors...like me.
Yeah so a whole lot of fucking nothing happens for a while, but then I start hearing noise, cheering and clapping and music and whatnot, I go outside and it's... everyone.
Literally everyone I have ever met is there.
Just dancing.
And I'm pretty sure it's the greatest thing ever.
Like it's not just everyone I KNOW, it's everyone I KNOW OF. Friends, family, youtube personalities (you haven't LIVED until you've seen Totalbiscuit krumping, by the way.) hell even fictional characters (no one ever brought up how that's possible but sure that's fine.)
Seeing this bizarre spectacle, I immediately walk back inside, I'm missing my boring-ass show.
Fffffffuck you, me.
I walk back upstairs, and I notice that all my friends are gone (maybe they're all off dancing? one of them's in the bathroom just next to my room, the light's on so...) I also notice that it's dead silent.
I can't hear any of the people outside anymore, the tv's off, the lights are off (save for the bathroom which is the only thing just barely illuminating the room I'm in.
Okay, little fun fact about me: I HATE the quiet, like not the peaceful kind of quiet where you can tell there are things going on around you. It's dead fucking silence I'm terrified of. Also the dark, yeah, fuck the dark? It's why I'm not much of a night person because silence and dark go hand in hand at that time like motherfuckin' gravy and skittles the point is I DO NOT LIKE THIS AT ALL.
So at this point I'm not even daring myself to move an inch, when I hear knocking at my door, I'm sure it's one of my friends and I immediately rush to open it.
That's when a zombie teenage girl (that I might have been able to recognize had she not have been decomposing.) looks at me with the creepiest face ever. "I WAS IN THAT BATHROOM FOR FIFTEEN YEARS, BRANDON."
That line was ridiculous to me even then, not even in one of the scariest scenarios possible for me could I not be scared because of that fucking line.
And then I woke up, or something. Admittedly the next four or so hours are a fucking mess for me. It might have been about three instances of me waking up inside a nightmare with me waking up in real life between that. I couldn't fucking tell you even if I tried. I'd 'wake up' to knocking at my door, then I'd be walking around investigating 'my room' finding dead bodies in my closet and portals to another dimension as my doors. I might have been scaring the shit out of someone by walking around my house at 5am or I might have never left my bed, the jury's out on that one. I don't really think I want to know either.
The last nightmare I can remember revolves playing TF2 with THESE FAGGOTS which is weird because I don't even like TF2 or THOSE FAGGOTS but that's cool that's fine. We're playing on a map that I honestly don't think actually exists. It's a dock that's nearly pitch black, you can see like 5ft in front of you. It would be kinda cool if it wasn't terrifying.
And you know it was kind of fun, there was banter and whatnot, you'd kill someone and then beg they come back immediately because goddamn is it scary up in here.
Eventually because I'm the best TF2 player ever the three of them ganged up on me and I had no choice but to pull off the most amazing badassery ever, KILLED EM ALL IN ONE HIT EACH. Save for the last guy that tried hacking but fuck that guy he CAN'T BEAT ME. YOU READING THIS, MOTHERFUCKER?
Anyway, after my glorious victory I couldn't help but notice that they all ragequit. And I was stuck in that server.
By myself.
In the dark.
Ohhhh.
I think I was using an oculus rift or something because 1. I had been playing the game through my eyes the whole time and 2. I had no idea how to open the menu and leave. So I was stuck wandering forever.
And I know something utterly horrifying happened at the very end of the nightmare before I woke up for realsies. But I don't remember, it's a trauma thing I guess. All I remember was this looking at me.
Monday, October 6, 2014
Oh not another fucking dream
Oh no, back here again?
Well alright, let's get this over with.
It starts out in the British houses of
parliament (naturally) where a Mortal Kombat-esque fighting game is
taking place (complete with your favourite characters, black man,
that girl with the huge breasts and SCORPION) and it's one of those
contrived story modes where two people meet and get angry at
eachother “WE FIGHT NOW!” I ignore this and head off the to
exciting place.
A waiting room/classroom/whatever.
Yeah.
And I have to fill out forms! Woo-hoo!
Best dream ever!
I get the gist at this point that I'm
planning on overseas travel (Given what people have said to me and
what's written on the form) so get this.
If you live in Australia you have to
fill out one form. If you live in Australia and you're British you
have to write both forms. If you live in Australia and you're British
and you're black. You have to write out all three. (That's racist.)
Whatever, I punch out one of the bitch
staff members and move on.
So then I arrive at my destination.
Some island in the middle of nowhere so I could meet my...cousins? I
have cousi- okay.
Let me try to draw this out for you...
Did I happen to mention this place was
a DISASTER ZONE waiting to happen? Because it was. Faulty electrical
outlets, the houses were built on SAND (you're not supposed to do
that, right?) fucked up architecture with no rhyme or reason and one
of my cousins (about 9) was walking around with electric ping pong
paddles (I shit you not, I checked his inventory)
Oh yeah, there's kids here. Two
adorable twin boy- wait a second.
A family of four including twin boys
living on a remote island in the middle of nowhere? This premise
sounds awful familia- no. No I'm just crazy.
Moving swiftly along, nothing fucked up
happens for a while (some hillbilly comes up ranting and raving about
his boat but whatever) All the while I'm freaking the fuck out
because I know full well something bad has to happen here, but nope.
Except one of my cousins is staring at
a cloud that looks like this. And I swear to GOD I've seen this
before (complete with green lightning! No one mentioned that
lightning was green here):
Hold on.
Oh no.
Oh motherfucking shit.
I got the feeling that things were
about to reach a climax and something either really interesting or
really soul crushingly depressing was about to happen, mostly because
the last five minutes of the dream were accompanied by a fucking
dirge complete with the most awful singing ever foreshadowing events
(shit like dark distant towns and people dying) which was a real
shame because I feel like my brain went all out on this one but I
woke up before anything exciting happened. Oh well. It was all still
pretty fucked up.
Did I mention never eat chocolate
before bed? Also, chocolate chip cookies fucking count. And you know
they count. Like oh my god who cares if it was 3 in the morning you
know this shit.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
everything is ok
THE HYPE TRAIN STARTS HERE ALL ABOARD WHOO WHOOOOOOOO
I'LL BE COLLECTING YOUR TICKETS WE HAVE BEVERAGES IN THE DINING CAR
WHOO WHOOOOOOOOOOO I TOLD YOU MOTHERFUCKERS I BELIEVED THE WHOLE TIME DONT GO BACK AND READ THE OTHERS FUCK YOU I BELIEVED
FUCK YOUR SHIT YOU CAN'T EVEN BRING ME DOWN
I WIN
MY WIN
wait
where the fuck is lucas
and claus
hold on
no fuck this im out
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Monday, July 21, 2014
SUPER BRASH SISTERS
Ohhh boy more characters LESS GO!
Moving on...
WHAT'S HER SPECIAL MOVE? MAKING A SANDWICH?
But seriously that's like the fourth fucking Fire Emblem character in this game can we have someone else that doesn't-
Thursday, June 12, 2014
SUPER SMASHED BROS E3
They're goddamn taunting me.
Look, we can play this little game as much as we want. It's fun, you know? I have dreams, you're here to crush them it's a good system really. But for God's sake don't rub it in that's just cruel.
And Mii fighters? I'm surprised that wasn't in Brawl actually, and it looks pretty well done so I'm cool with that.
Okay then, what other perfectly good characters are they not adding in this time?
Oh get the fuck out and don't come back in.
You have got to be fucking shitting me.
WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT?
WHO THE FUCK EVEN IS SHE?
WHY AREN'T MY FINGERS IN SOMEONE'S EYE SOCKETS RIGHT NOW?
No. No I don't give a shit. I never gave a shit. This game was never made to change anything except make the Wii U bearable. And I don't care what you do with it. I don't give a shit. You think I give a shit, if I gave a shit I'd talk all about how I give a shit. But I'm not. Because I don't give a shit.
If that's the best thing you could show for E3, E-FUCKING-3 by the way, I guess we're done he-
You invited P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-
PACMAN?
PAAAACMAAAAN!?
PAAAAAAAAAAACMAAAAAAAAAAAN!?!?
No it's fine I don't give a PACMAAAAAAN!?!?
ARGHARGHARHGAHGRAHGHGAHRAGHRAHRGHRGAHGHGAHRGHAHGHRHRHRRR
I'm fine it's cool I'm JUST.
PERFECT.
Nintendo, just tell me. Right now. No one else has to hear this. Don't show me footage, don't give me anything. All I want is for you to whisper to me what I want to hear.
"A MOTHER/Earthbound representative is in the new Smash Bros."
And that's it, that's all you have to say. We can go our separate ways, I'll even take you out for dinner if you have the time. But this ONE thing is all I want from you.
This tiny, little, insignificant
PACMAAAAAN!?!?
Saturday, May 3, 2014
The Weirdest Fucking Dream I Ever Had (Ft. Satan)
I had a weird dream last night.
Pretty much all my dreams are weird,
but as I get older they slowly up their game. Random creatures just
screaming at me doesn't really work any more (it still does)
so my brain has to get creative, convince me what I'm witnessing is
real, and then stab me in the back at the first moment of weakness.
So my dream starts off with me and my
family of four. (Two parents and two brothers, one slightly older and
one much younger, which is pretty interesting all things
considered.) And what family is complete without their luxury home!
...Us, apparently. We're in the middle of a forest where our new home
is slated to be. And we have to build it ourselves...with nowhere to
accommodate us until the house is built. Cruel.
So a year goes by, complete with
seasons (INCLUDING winter. My brain had never even hinted towards
hypothermia, OR BEING THE SLIGHTEST BIT FUCKING COLD IN THE MIDDLE OF
A FOREST WITH NO GODDAMN HOUSE.) And the house is finally
done! Naturally we decide to throw a party to celebrate, and invite a
good 50 fucking people to it. In this tiny little two story house. (I
never even saw anything past upstairs, for whatever reason we slept
in a corner in the living room.)
This is where we're introduced to
our...stepmother? She was just kind of introduced as a bitch, and
then a witch. I call her both of these things too, knowing full well
probably both of those things were true, and she was about to raise
hell on everything I loved.
...Why did I call her a bitch again?
Was it just one of those 'in the moment things?' hard to justify when
she's literally going to kill everyone and destroy everything
over it.
Which is where shit gets weird, the
house starts changing form (although that's most likely my brain just
being inconsistent because it's been doing that for a loooong time
now.) people are teleporting around the place (50 people including me
got together for a group photo, 3 minutes into it half of them are
gone and we're on the other side of the building, NO ONE FUCKING
QUESTIONED IT.)
Then people start disappearing,
including my brothers, close friends, and then my parents. (For
whatever reason I'm only concerned at most about losing my family and
friends.) At that point the 'survivors' decide to head off deeper in
to the forest and...build another house or something?
Also, this 'forest' slowly became a
jungle, complete with giant spiders and ancient ruins of a lost
civilization (probably Mayan or Aztec, interestingly.) We're down to
a good 15 people and not a single one of them even considers what
happened to the rest. Also they were all complete assholes. Which is
where I see a spike pit not five feet away from me. If I had to live
stranded somewhere surrounded by jerks and traps set thousands of
years ago, it seems I would kill myself, because I did.
Then the curtain falls and the big
secret is finally revealed! It was all a....VIDEO GAME. Yes that's
right! A VIDEO GAME! Complete with a fucking game over screen telling
me how good I did! How much I ate, how long I slept, how many people
I kissed. (Not kidding that was a thing...it was no one outside of my
family THANK YOU VERY MUCH.) So I just took part in a first
person Sims game with god-damn permadeath and everyone that was still
alive was mocking me. (I did earn 420 coins though.) So back to a
main menu screen, with my now dead little brother making demonic
chanting (WHICH IS ESPECIALLY FUCKING TERRIFYING ALL THINGS
CONSIDERED.) Now realizing that my somewhat bastardized paradise
was all a lie, I try to wake up. And it took three times until I woke
up for realsies (What appeared to be my bedroom would always be
slightly off, something would be missing/in the wrong place, and then
whoever was still playing that stupid god-damn game would be
laughing at me THROUGH MY HEADPHONES ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM.)
So the lesson here is no chocolate before bed kids or your utter
fucking paradise will come true, then will fall apart around you, and
then you kill yourself, and then IT WAS ALL A GAAAAAAAAAAAAAME.
Brains are fucking weird.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
No.
ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
BWWWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
BWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHGHGHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAH
AHAH
AHAH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHGHEGAHSKHDBHASBKJASD;BVSDKJBS;ADLKGJS;DLKHJA;LJKDHJ;ASLJHALSDKJGLK;SAJH;ASLJ;SLDJHLY;KSAJY;LASKJY;LASDKJY;LKJYL;KYJAL;KYJ;SALJYL;AKJD;YSKDJY;AKLADSJLKYS;AKLJDKYJL;ADSJKYKL;SAYJLS;ADKJ;AKSYJS;LKJSD;SAKJSKJKY;LSKDJ;LKYJALDKYJYASDL;KJSLYKJ
NO.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Fixing Fiddlesticks
So I was gonna do a post about Abaddon when he got released because if you read my post about the DoTA 2 concept art I was kinda really excited about him. Well yeah he's FUCKING AMAZING but then my friends suggested I move to League of Legends. Now before we start fighting I'm just going to throw this out here: LEAGUE IS SO MUCH BETTER IN MY OPINION. The UI is great, it has a beautiful art style, the heroes (Sorry, CHAMPIONS) are much more interesting and unique (Although it does suffer a lot from tons of generic video-game females syndrome, but hey. It's not that bad and most of them are pretty forgivable.) and the game is generally a lot more intuitive. DoTA on the other hand just feels clunky, the UI is messy, not very informative and the game just doesn't look that great. (Although I will always love heroes like Rubick, Timbersaw and of course NYX NYX NYX!)
Some of my favourite champions are Thresh, a sadistic chain warden with a taste for souls. Veigar, a hilariously angry little mage that looks like Vivi from Final Fantasy IX (Never played one of those games but I always loved that little fella.) Zed, a ninja assassin that looks like Shredder and Lord Zedd's lovechild. Kha'zix, a ferocious Pokemon. Shaco, which is basically the Joker if he completely lost it. And Fiddlesticks.
Oh.
God.
FIDDLESTICKS.
I don't know what it is, I really can't tell you. But I just have a soft spot for creepy animate scarecrows that are actually on good terms with crows despite being...you know, SCARECROWS. He's just so cool and everything he does is awesome and just...GOD!
But League of Legends has been out for a little while now, and since Fiddle was one of the first champions he doesn't quite look up to the game's current standards. And by that I mean.
He's so FUCKING STUPID LOOKING.
Just...COME ON. THAT'S FIDDLESTICKS? THE HARBINGER OF DOOM?
DOOOMM!?
DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!?!?
He looks like a cardboard cut-out of Fiddlesticks, not the ACTUAL THING. His walk is GOOFY, he has TEN lines of dialogue and they all sound PATHETIC, what even is that thing around his neck and ARGH IT'S TERRIBLE!
I know I know, he has a visual update on the way like all the old champions, but...god. He's one of my favourite champions and I would play him all the time if he just LOOKED DECENT.
Just look at him in the Twist of Fate video...
Some of my favourite champions are Thresh, a sadistic chain warden with a taste for souls. Veigar, a hilariously angry little mage that looks like Vivi from Final Fantasy IX (Never played one of those games but I always loved that little fella.) Zed, a ninja assassin that looks like Shredder and Lord Zedd's lovechild. Kha'zix, a ferocious Pokemon. Shaco, which is basically the Joker if he completely lost it. And Fiddlesticks.
Oh.
God.
FIDDLESTICKS.
I don't know what it is, I really can't tell you. But I just have a soft spot for creepy animate scarecrows that are actually on good terms with crows despite being...you know, SCARECROWS. He's just so cool and everything he does is awesome and just...GOD!
But League of Legends has been out for a little while now, and since Fiddle was one of the first champions he doesn't quite look up to the game's current standards. And by that I mean.
He's so FUCKING STUPID LOOKING.
 |
| HERP DERP I'M GONNA GETCHA! |
Just...COME ON. THAT'S FIDDLESTICKS? THE HARBINGER OF DOOM?
DOOOMM!?
DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!?!?
He looks like a cardboard cut-out of Fiddlesticks, not the ACTUAL THING. His walk is GOOFY, he has TEN lines of dialogue and they all sound PATHETIC, what even is that thing around his neck and ARGH IT'S TERRIBLE!
I know I know, he has a visual update on the way like all the old champions, but...god. He's one of my favourite champions and I would play him all the time if he just LOOKED DECENT.
Just look at him in the Twist of Fate video...
 |
| SURPRISE MOTHERFUCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW! |
Now compare THIS bundle of MANHOOD to that piece of shit further up, do you see a problem here? I do. FIDDLE NEEDS TO BE COOL INGAME!
So yeah, he needs to be spruced up, but I think he needs MORE than that, you know? I feel like he's MISSING something, so despite begging for a VU, I think we need to take a look at his skillset, yeah?
LET'S GO DO IT NOW YEAH UH YEAH MMMMMMMMMMM
FIDDLE'S ABILITIES
Dread: Enemy units within 1000 range have their magic resist decreased by 10
This passive is, simply put, kinda meh. It's not terrible, it's just not that interesting and you don't really notice it. I mean, it PROBABLY makes an impressive difference, but how can you really tell? It's not like you can turn it off or anything. If I were to do anything here, I'd get it to scale by level, add something to it, or change it completely.
Terrify: Scares the target shitless so you can BEAT THEIR ASS!
At max level, this is three seconds of your target being unable to do ANYTHING as you laugh maniacally and your team forms behind you for SUPER RAPETM and god, is it despicably EVIL. I can't criticize this one, it's too brilliant. MOVING ON!
Drain: Creates a leash around the enemy doing continuous damage to him and healing you YEAH BITCH WHAT'S DAMAGE CAN'T HEAR YA
(You know, it's never specified what he's draining, food for thought.)
Coupled with terrify, this is three whole seconds worth of 'lulfreehealth' evil? Yes. Handy? Oh yeah. Annoying?
FUCK. YES.
Despite this spell being really good, I can't help but wonder, does Fiddle NEED this spell?
Originally he was intended to be a ap carry in mid lane, and mid laners generally focus farm above all else, self sustain is a devious thing to have in such a situation, but is out of place? I'm probably wrong on this.
Besides, taking this away from him would remove his jungling capabilities altogether, but would that be a good thing? Besides, Fiddles support is where it's at, baby.
Dark Wind: Throws a muh'fucking crow at a bitch, doing damage and silencing them and shit.
Every spell Fiddle has on him is evil and annoying, perhaps moreso than Teemo.
No wait, of course not what am I saying.
But this one is good, ever throw a crow at someone SO HARD they are left speechless? No of course not you fucking IDIOT. ONLY FIDDLE CAN PULL OFF SUCH A STUNT.
No real complaints about this one in terms of function, but throwing a crow at someone DOES look kinda stupid. Have it like in that Twist of Fate video where he raises his scythe and is all like "NYAHAHA!"and maybe a small cluster of crows rather than just one.
Oh and make it a skillshot because that's what ALL the cool reworks are doing.
Crowstorm: MUH'FUCKIN' CROWSTOOOOOOOOOOOOORM!
THIS IS IT. THIS RIGHT HERE IS WHAT FIDDLESTICKS IS FAMOUS FOR, 1.5 SECONDS OF GLORIOUS CHANNELING AND BAM! FIDDLES ALL UP IN YOUR FACE AND SHIT AND FOLLOWING HIM ARE A MILLION CROWS OF PURE TERROR AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS CRY AND SCREAM AS THEY FLOCK AROUND YOU AND PECK YOUR EYES OUT.
ALSO FIDDLE CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS WHILE THIS IS HAPPENING SO HE CAN JUST FUCK. YOU. UUUPPPPP.
THIS SPELL IS PERFECT, IT'S BEAUTIFUL AND NOTHING COULD BE BETT-well.
I mean. Maybe if he did more than just magically blink it'd look much cooler at leas- SHUT THE FUCK UP IT'S PERFECT.
So that's what I would change in Fiddlesticks, not brilliant or clever but I JUST WANTED TO POST HERE AGAIN DON'T JUDGE ME MY GOLDFISH DIED ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
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