this is the best game of all time

Wow.

That's amazing.

Thank you for the really impressive changes Riot.

I am just in love with what you do here.


nyeeeEEEEHYEEYAHGHARGYRHGHRAGHASJDHGKLHGJHSDLGHLKAJGKLJDSHG

FUCK I'M FALLING DOWN ALL THESE ALISTAIRS

Now that we're in preseason and everything is in total fucking chaos, the meta is all over the place with some champions finding stupidly OP power surges (Like Warwick, they did nerf him but his kit is still cringy.) and all the new champions are either ridiculously buggy, (Azir) needlessly complicated, (Kalista) or just plain useless. (Rek'Sai) I'm really glad that some part of Riot Games has their priorities straight.

A lot of the older champions look like fucking garbage (like Kennen, Poppy, Mundo, Tristana, Morgana and of course FIDDLESTICKS-senpai) so of course there's a lot to fix and Riot Games (Responsible for League of Legends like the biggest competitive online game ever) can't do everything at once with what their 3 man team. So Alistar is OBVIOUSLY the highest priority on the VU board.

Not this guy.



Or this girl.



It's the moose.

Thank you again, Riot.

For being the best game company ever.

IT BEGINS

You're tugging at my heartstrings, Riot.

Freddy Fazbear and Co. visit an insomniac, hilarity ensues.

It's 2:00AM.

I'm in my bed, I can't sleep. I've been staring at my clock for what feels like hours, but it never changes. Is the goddamn thing broken? Fuck, I really don't need that right now.

I'm hearing a lot of noises, but I'm paranoid so I'm used to it. Scratching at my wardrobe door? I'm fine. Clattering and banging from upstairs? I can dig it. The Toreador March- Wait. The Toreador March?

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

The door swings open, and there he stands. It's Freddy. We stare at each other for a solid minute before he slowly makes his way toward me, now inches from my face his mouth opens and in the most creepy, mechanical voice I've ever heard he whispers.

"Are...

You...

Ready...

For...




Your hot chocolate?"

Wait. What the fuck? You're not serious.

"We heard you haven't been sleeping well lately and, well. We've all been pretty worried about you." He motions towards the door, I can see Chica staring at me intensely. But where's...

"BonnIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" He straight up ends the word with the death scream from the game. Fuck fuck fuck my heart skipped a beat.

I can hear someone coming down the stairs, Bonnie enters the room.

NyeehhhHHHHHHH he's scary.

"Would you go make Brandon a cup of hot chocolate? One of your best please."

Bonnie turns his head towards me for a second, then lurches back upstairs.

"There, that should help. Oh, we kicked Foxy out into your garden- you know how he gets. Don't let him in, whatever you do."

And with that, Freddy leaves and closes the door behind him.

This isn't fucking happening, this nightmare is just an extremely tense bait-and-switch, we all know what's going to happen, just never when.

I look to my window, and I can see Foxy.

FFFFFUCK, his eyes burn into my soul.

We exchange glances, but I look away and try my best to ignore him.

Minutes pass, I can still feel Foxy's eyes on me, I'm starting to get nervous.

Then I hear knocking at my window.

"Psst. Hey. Hey. HEY.

C'mere matey."

I don't want to, but I do it anyway, would Foxy really try anything?

"Open the door, lad. I won't go hurtin' ye."

Out of guilt, I agree to it. I sneak out of my room and to the back door, I don't see any of the other animatronics around.

I can see Foxy's face through the window. I didn't think suits like that could smile. But I swear he was.

I slowly turn the doorknob just slightly, but that's all he needed. He immediately bursts through the door and gives me what I can only assume to be a very violent hug, but I woke up.

That morning, I check steam and Five Night's at Freddy's 2 is now available.

Now, I'm not saying I'm a prophet. A godlike entity that should be worshipped as I unwillingly predict events. I'm not saying that. I'm just implying it.

Ohhhhhhhhhh nnnnnooooooooo

Not another insanity-induced nightmare, surely? Yeah that's right FUCK YOU IT'S THAT TIME.

This one's short so count your blessings.

I'm lying on my bed drawing, in a house I used to live in waaaaaaay waaaaaaay waaaaay motherfuckin' back in England. I'm impressed at how vividly I remember it.

As I'm drawing fuck knows what some anime girl shows up in the reflection on paper. I can buy that.

"Hey senpai! Are you gonna draw me today?"

Did that actually just happen.

Did someone actually just motherfuckin' say that in my dream.

No FUCK YOU. My dreams are better than this.

Seeking something a little more original, I put my drawing book to the side (and out of the fucking window.) And turn on the lights (It was getting dark and I get sceeeaaaared) And it immediately breaks and starts sending sparks everywhere. Like a lot of fucking sparks everywhere. The entire room is just sparks, I leave the room and they're still hitting me. I'm downstairs far away from the room, still sparks.

I burst into the next room hoping there'll be someone to help me, when I notice that my Dad and a perfect duplicate of him are sitting in this room.

I have two dads.

I have two-

I have- I have-

I have two dads.

Fuck it, I'm out. This is a world I don't want to live in. In a desperate attempt to escape, I do the worst thing imaginable, I open the door to the outside, in the infinite dark.

Here's one thing you never, ever do in one of my nightmares, you don't go fuckin' wandering in the dark unless you want some serious shit to go down. It's basically an invitation for my brain to send in the most fucked up things it can imagine. It's just become a rule for me at this point, one I follow subconsciously, BUT I WANTED THIS ONE TO STOP. IT WAS DUMB. ANIME GIRLS, FUCKIN' SPARKS, TWO DADS. I WANTED IT ALL TO END. IT HAD TO END. IF THAT MEANT FACING THE WORST OF THE WORST, THE SCARIEST OF THE SCARY. SO BE IT.

Then I hear his voice.

"Ah've got ye naow, laddeh."

I don't actually have to tell you whose voice that was, right?

It could have brought in anything.

But it brought in Shrek.

Granted, I was fucking petrified at the time, but in retrospect, really? Was that really the best it could do?

I was feeling extra special brave at this point, already having slapped a 'traumatize me' sticker on my back and waltzing in to the fucking dead zone, so in the most dismissive essex boy accent (of which I am so well known for) I could muster, I simply say "fuk off m8" but all that came out was a strangled whisper.

"Come closer, let meh see yer face."

He has me now.

It was all ogre.

DUDE WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HONESTLY THINK PEOPLE CARE

No it's okay hear me out this one's a NIGHTMARE woooOOoOoOoOoOoo.

Kay so it starts out at my house or a really uncomfortable blend of past houses I've been in, and I'm having a party YEEAAHHHH WOOOOOOOO so naturally in this kind of craaazy situation I sit down with a couple of friends and...watch tv.

Mmm.

So yeah we're watching Whose Line is it Anyway but not because it has some weird taste testing thing incorporated into it? (Whose Meal is it Anyway?) And I'm watching myself in it on live broadcasting? Like at first I dismiss it as a lookalike, but not only does he look like me, he talks, acts, and seems utterly disinterested in what's going on and is only there to screw around with the other competitors...like me.

Yeah so a whole lot of fucking nothing happens for a while, but then I start hearing noise, cheering and clapping and music and whatnot, I go outside and it's... everyone.

Literally everyone I have ever met is there.

Just dancing.

And I'm pretty sure it's the greatest thing ever.

Like it's not just everyone I KNOW, it's everyone I KNOW OF. Friends, family, youtube personalities (you haven't LIVED until you've seen Totalbiscuit krumping, by the way.) hell even fictional characters (no one ever brought up how that's possible but sure that's fine.)

Seeing this bizarre spectacle, I immediately walk back inside, I'm missing my boring-ass show.

Fffffffuck you, me.

I walk back upstairs, and I notice that all my friends are gone (maybe they're all off dancing? one of them's in the bathroom just next to my room, the light's on so...) I also notice that it's dead silent.

I can't hear any of the people outside anymore, the tv's off, the lights are off (save for the bathroom which is the only thing just barely illuminating the room I'm in.

Okay, little fun fact about me: I HATE the quiet, like not the peaceful kind of quiet where you can tell there are things going on around you. It's dead fucking silence I'm terrified of. Also the dark, yeah, fuck the dark? It's why I'm not much of a night person because silence and dark go hand in hand at that time like motherfuckin' gravy and skittles the point is I DO NOT LIKE THIS AT ALL.

So at this point I'm not even daring myself to move an inch, when I hear knocking at my door, I'm sure it's one of my friends and I immediately rush to open it.

That's when a zombie teenage girl (that I might have been able to recognize had she not have been decomposing.) looks at me with the creepiest face ever. "I WAS IN THAT BATHROOM FOR FIFTEEN YEARS, BRANDON."

That line was ridiculous to me even then, not even in one of the scariest scenarios possible for me could I not be scared because of that fucking line.

And then I woke up, or something. Admittedly the next four or so hours are a fucking mess for me. It might have been about three instances of me waking up inside a nightmare with me waking up in real life between that. I couldn't fucking tell you even if I tried. I'd 'wake up' to knocking at my door, then I'd be walking around investigating 'my room' finding dead bodies in my closet and portals to another dimension as my doors. I might have been scaring the shit out of someone by walking around my house at 5am or I might have never left my bed, the jury's out on that one. I don't really think I want to know either.

The last nightmare I can remember revolves playing TF2 with THESE FAGGOTS which is weird because I don't even like TF2 or THOSE FAGGOTS but that's cool that's fine. We're playing on a map that I honestly don't think actually exists. It's a dock that's nearly pitch black, you can see like 5ft in front of you. It would be kinda cool if it wasn't terrifying.

And you know it was kind of fun, there was banter and whatnot, you'd kill someone and then beg they come back immediately because goddamn is it scary up in here.

Eventually because I'm the best TF2 player ever the three of them ganged up on me and I had no choice but to pull off the most amazing badassery ever, KILLED EM ALL IN ONE HIT EACH. Save for the last guy that tried hacking but fuck that guy he CAN'T BEAT ME. YOU READING THIS, MOTHERFUCKER?

Anyway, after my glorious victory I couldn't help but notice that they all ragequit. And I was stuck in that server.

By myself.

In the dark.

Ohhhh.

I think I was using an oculus rift or something because 1. I had been playing the game through my eyes the whole time and 2. I had no idea how to open the menu and leave. So I was stuck wandering forever.

And I know something utterly horrifying happened at the very end of the nightmare before I woke up for realsies. But I don't remember, it's a trauma thing I guess. All I remember was this looking at me.

Oh not another fucking dream

Oh no, back here again?

Well alright, let's get this over with.

It starts out in the British houses of parliament (naturally) where a Mortal Kombat-esque fighting game is taking place (complete with your favourite characters, black man, that girl with the huge breasts and SCORPION) and it's one of those contrived story modes where two people meet and get angry at eachother “WE FIGHT NOW!” I ignore this and head off the to exciting place.

A waiting room/classroom/whatever.

Yeah.

And I have to fill out forms! Woo-hoo! Best dream ever!

I get the gist at this point that I'm planning on overseas travel (Given what people have said to me and what's written on the form) so get this.

If you live in Australia you have to fill out one form. If you live in Australia and you're British you have to write both forms. If you live in Australia and you're British and you're black. You have to write out all three. (That's racist.)

Whatever, I punch out one of the bitch staff members and move on.

So then I arrive at my destination. Some island in the middle of nowhere so I could meet my...cousins? I have cousi- okay.

Let me try to draw this out for you...

Did I happen to mention this place was a DISASTER ZONE waiting to happen? Because it was. Faulty electrical outlets, the houses were built on SAND (you're not supposed to do that, right?) fucked up architecture with no rhyme or reason and one of my cousins (about 9) was walking around with electric ping pong paddles (I shit you not, I checked his inventory)

Oh yeah, there's kids here. Two adorable twin boy- wait a second.

A family of four including twin boys living on a remote island in the middle of nowhere? This premise sounds awful familia- no. No I'm just crazy.

Moving swiftly along, nothing fucked up happens for a while (some hillbilly comes up ranting and raving about his boat but whatever) All the while I'm freaking the fuck out because I know full well something bad has to happen here, but nope.

Except one of my cousins is staring at a cloud that looks like this. And I swear to GOD I've seen this before (complete with green lightning! No one mentioned that lightning was green here):

Hold on.

Oh no.

Oh motherfucking shit.

I got the feeling that things were about to reach a climax and something either really interesting or really soul crushingly depressing was about to happen, mostly because the last five minutes of the dream were accompanied by a fucking dirge complete with the most awful singing ever foreshadowing events (shit like dark distant towns and people dying) which was a real shame because I feel like my brain went all out on this one but I woke up before anything exciting happened. Oh well. It was all still pretty fucked up.

Did I mention never eat chocolate before bed? Also, chocolate chip cookies fucking count. And you know they count. Like oh my god who cares if it was 3 in the morning you know this shit.

everything is ok

THE HYPE TRAIN STARTS HERE ALL ABOARD WHOO WHOOOOOOOO

I'LL BE COLLECTING YOUR TICKETS WE HAVE BEVERAGES IN THE DINING CAR



WHOO WHOOOOOOOOOOO I TOLD YOU MOTHERFUCKERS I BELIEVED THE WHOLE TIME DONT GO BACK AND READ THE OTHERS FUCK YOU I BELIEVED



FUCK YOUR SHIT YOU CAN'T EVEN BRING ME DOWN

I WIN

MY WIN

wait

where the fuck is lucas

and claus

hold on

no fuck this im out

Oh Hey Meta Knight's In

That's cool.

SUPER BRASH SISTERS

Ohhh boy more characters LESS GO!

YES!

Moving on...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

WHAT'S HER SPECIAL MOVE? MAKING A SANDWICH?

But seriously that's like the fourth fucking Fire Emblem character in this game can we have someone else that doesn't-

Ugh, no.

SUPER SMASHED BROS E3

"Give us MOTHER 3!"

They're goddamn taunting me.

Look, we can play this little game as much as we want. It's fun, you know? I have dreams, you're here to crush them it's a good system really. But for God's sake don't rub it in that's just cruel.

And Mii fighters? I'm surprised that wasn't in Brawl actually, and it looks pretty well done so I'm cool with that.

Okay then, what other perfectly good characters are they not adding in this time?

Oh get the fuck out.

Oh get the fuck out and don't come back in.

You have got to be fucking shitting me.

WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT?
WHO THE FUCK EVEN IS SHE?
WHY AREN'T MY FINGERS IN SOMEONE'S EYE SOCKETS RIGHT NOW?

No. No I don't give a shit. I never gave a shit. This game was never made to change anything except make the Wii U bearable. And I don't care what you do with it. I don't give a shit. You think I give a shit, if I gave a shit I'd talk all about how I give a shit. But I'm not. Because I don't give a shit.

If that's the best thing you could show for E3, E-FUCKING-3 by the way, I guess we're done he-

P-p-p-p-p-pacman?

You invited P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-

PACMAN?

PAAAACMAAAAN!?

PAAAAAAAAAAACMAAAAAAAAAAAN!?!?

No it's fine I don't give a PACMAAAAAAN!?!?

ARGHARGHARHGAHGRAHGHGAHRAGHRAHRGHRGAHGHGAHRGHAHGHRHRHRRR

I'm fine it's cool I'm JUST.

PERFECT.

Nintendo, just tell me. Right now. No one else has to hear this. Don't show me footage, don't give me anything. All I want is for you to whisper to me what I want to hear.

"A MOTHER/Earthbound representative is in the new Smash Bros."

And that's it, that's all you have to say. We can go our separate ways, I'll even take you out for dinner if you have the time. But this ONE thing is all I want from you.

This tiny, little, insignificant

PACMAAAAAN!?!?

The Weirdest Fucking Dream I Ever Had (Ft. Satan)

I had a weird dream last night.

Pretty much all my dreams are weird, but as I get older they slowly up their game. Random creatures just screaming at me doesn't really work any more (it still does) so my brain has to get creative, convince me what I'm witnessing is real, and then stab me in the back at the first moment of weakness.

So my dream starts off with me and my family of four. (Two parents and two brothers, one slightly older and one much younger, which is pretty interesting all things considered.) And what family is complete without their luxury home! ...Us, apparently. We're in the middle of a forest where our new home is slated to be. And we have to build it ourselves...with nowhere to accommodate us until the house is built. Cruel.

So a year goes by, complete with seasons (INCLUDING winter. My brain had never even hinted towards hypothermia, OR BEING THE SLIGHTEST BIT FUCKING COLD IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST WITH NO GODDAMN HOUSE.) And the house is finally done! Naturally we decide to throw a party to celebrate, and invite a good 50 fucking people to it. In this tiny little two story house. (I never even saw anything past upstairs, for whatever reason we slept in a corner in the living room.)

This is where we're introduced to our...stepmother? She was just kind of introduced as a bitch, and then a witch. I call her both of these things too, knowing full well probably both of those things were true, and she was about to raise hell on everything I loved.

...Why did I call her a bitch again? Was it just one of those 'in the moment things?' hard to justify when she's literally going to kill everyone and destroy everything over it.

Which is where shit gets weird, the house starts changing form (although that's most likely my brain just being inconsistent because it's been doing that for a loooong time now.) people are teleporting around the place (50 people including me got together for a group photo, 3 minutes into it half of them are gone and we're on the other side of the building, NO ONE FUCKING QUESTIONED IT.)

Then people start disappearing, including my brothers, close friends, and then my parents. (For whatever reason I'm only concerned at most about losing my family and friends.) At that point the 'survivors' decide to head off deeper in to the forest and...build another house or something?

Also, this 'forest' slowly became a jungle, complete with giant spiders and ancient ruins of a lost civilization (probably Mayan or Aztec, interestingly.) We're down to a good 15 people and not a single one of them even considers what happened to the rest. Also they were all complete assholes. Which is where I see a spike pit not five feet away from me. If I had to live stranded somewhere surrounded by jerks and traps set thousands of years ago, it seems I would kill myself, because I did.

Then the curtain falls and the big secret is finally revealed! It was all a....VIDEO GAME. Yes that's right! A VIDEO GAME! Complete with a fucking game over screen telling me how good I did! How much I ate, how long I slept, how many people I kissed. (Not kidding that was a thing...it was no one outside of my family THANK YOU VERY MUCH.) So I just took part in a first person Sims game with god-damn permadeath and everyone that was still alive was mocking me. (I did earn 420 coins though.) So back to a main menu screen, with my now dead little brother making demonic chanting (WHICH IS ESPECIALLY FUCKING TERRIFYING ALL THINGS CONSIDERED.) Now realizing that my somewhat bastardized paradise was all a lie, I try to wake up. And it took three times until I woke up for realsies (What appeared to be my bedroom would always be slightly off, something would be missing/in the wrong place, and then whoever was still playing that stupid god-damn game would be laughing at me THROUGH MY HEADPHONES ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM.) So the lesson here is no chocolate before bed kids or your utter fucking paradise will come true, then will fall apart around you, and then you kill yourself, and then IT WAS ALL A GAAAAAAAAAAAAAME.

Brains are fucking weird.

No.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hahaha

ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

BWWWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

BWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHGHGHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

AHAH
AHAH
AHAH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHGHEGAHSKHDBHASBKJASD;BVSDKJBS;ADLKGJS;DLKHJA;LJKDHJ;ASLJHALSDKJGLK;SAJH;ASLJ;SLDJHLY;KSAJY;LASKJY;LASDKJY;LKJYL;KYJAL;KYJ;SALJYL;AKJD;YSKDJY;AKLADSJLKYS;AKLJDKYJL;ADSJKYKL;SAYJLS;ADKJ;AKSYJS;LKJSD;SAKJSKJKY;LSKDJ;LKYJALDKYJYASDL;KJSLYKJ


NO.