Gee willikers aren't these dreams great.

I don't know what to do with this blog anymore, the only barely substantial content it ever had was me complaining that Lucas wasn't in the new Smash. Now with Lucas in the new Smash what the fuck is left? I could just make this a dream blog but it will never be as good as Thomas' one.

Ignoring that, let's move on to a dream!

This exciting new addition to our always magical journeys begins with me in some backwards hillbilly town in some marsh, hooray.

But it gets a little more exciting than that. I'm a secret agent doing some straight up spy shit!

I was dressed up a little something like this. God, do I miss old Splinter Cell

WOAHHHHH RIGHT?

I forget what exactly I was doing there, though. I was too busy fucking around with my nightvision goggles. But there were hints of some Call of Cthulhu shit going around where I'd see some weird frog looking people doing weird cult things. Like tax evasion.

But while I was snooping around in someone's house, some motherfuckers catch me. So I do the only thing that makes sense to me at the time. Pull some Shadow Clone Jutsu shit and phase through a wall.

Yeahhhh.

I escape into the sewers and no one really bothered to follow me in. Maybe they just got bored or weren't willing to stoop to that level.

During my improvised exfiltration however, I come across a lovely bunch of...

Skeletons.

At first, they appear lifeless, but as I draw closer they all stand up and greet me.

After a lovely conversation, they anoint me KING OF THE SKELETONS. They hand me a crown and dress me in the finest bone regalia as one of them speaks. "You know what you must do now. You must preach the word of the dead, and exterminate the fuckboys."

I nod slowly. "I shall, for the kingdom of bones!"

I looked a little something like this, except I was not actually a skeleton.

They cheer me on as I leave the sewers and enter the world unknown.

And then I see my dad filling up the gas for his car.

"Come on Brandon we have to go to this video game thing."

"NO FATHER, I AM THE MAD KING OF THE SKELETON PEOPLE NOW, I MUST SLAY THE FUCKBOYS"

"Just get in the car."

So turns out we're going to some videogame/anime expo thing for whatever reason? I'm fine with this because there will probably be plenty of fuckboys to kill.

When we're there, everyone seems to admire my 'Skeleton King cosplay' and no one seems to believe me when I insist my armour was made out of real bone. Still, my bone shake was bringing all the boys to the yard.

But then something seems off, and it feels like the same 10 minutes of this dream has been repeated over and over again. And it was at that moment that a portly woman named Brenda hops through a time portal and explains the situation.

Like this but with a few more pounds.

Apparently she kinda messed up all of time by travelling to the far future to prevent some great event that fucked everything up for everyone. And that only I am self aware enough to help her.

"Sure, whatever." I say, not seeming to care that the fate of the entire world now rests on my shoulders.

She takes me with her through the time portal and I am met with the sight of this island that got all kinds of fucked up. I'm talking the fucking armageddon here.

There was a lot more explosions than seen here.

Meteor showers, dinosaurs running amok, lava everywhere, it wasn't pretty. Brenda is working away on a computer and hesitantly mentions that she has no idea to fix any of this. I tell her to stand the fuck back as I type a bunch of smiley faces onto the computer which fixes everything.

"Oh my fuck how did you do that?" She asks.

"I have no idea." I proudly reply.

Then we see the fruits of our labour as the island is returned to a much nicer state, there are even kids riding cute dinosaurs. "I would like to ride a dinosaur" I say. I then get to ride a dinosaur.

Now something interesting to note here, in a lot of my dreams I see nearly the exact same beach, I don't think I've ever seen this in real life, much less do I understand the significance of it. But all the same I've tried to recreate it in a drawing everytime I see it. (Let's just bear in mind this was hastily made on memory alone and I am by no stretch of the imagination an artist.)

This looks confusing as all hell but these are three different sketches put together, one on the top left, one on the top right, and one large one at the bottom.

What tends to stick with me is the odd rock formation in the water that forms as a natural kiddy pool that has probably never killed anyone and the little island in the distance which I've visited but don't remember much aside from a little house. 

The drawing on the top left was the first time I saw it, the one on the top right was the second time I saw it (and a bit behind it.) And the larger one on the bottom was a bit further left of the beach (it was also very rainy)

I've kind of gone off topic here but I always liked the strange little continuity my dreams sometimes have. Speaking of which, this was what the same beach looked like in last night's dream.

I know the perspective is really wonky but I told you I'm no artist.

Apparently this was before anyone really touched the island (those dark patches are jungles by the way.)

But yes, moving swiftly along. Brenda fucked something up for the trip home and sent me into the future where I was long dead, had become a ghost. And fucked with anyone that came by my haunted house.

My ghost adventures were like this, but a lot more ghostly.

But then these kids show up to my front door, about four of them, peddling that "I don't believe in ghosts" bullshit. Well I was about to prove them wrong.

One of the kids looked exactly like this. Which is pretty interesting given that last image.

Now I was oddly persistent on being as dramatic as possible when it came to scaring these kids (which I'm honestly not very surprised about) and despite being incorporeal I refused the whole floating through walls thing. But even when I was about to crawl through a ventilation system I backed out of fear.

That's right folks, ghosts can be afraid too.

These things fucked me up so much that by the time Brenda came to take me out of this timeline I had accomplished nothing.

She takes me back to where I was before I saved all existence, the video game/anime expo. It was quite a sudden transition but I never really questioned it. I was just sort of looking around, admiring all the cool shit I was seeing when something on a tv screen caught my eye.

It was a motherfucking Mother 3 anime.

ore wa ochinchin ga daisuki nadayo

Holy fuck.

I just stared at the screen, it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw.

"I MUST OWN THE ENTIRE DVD COLLECTION" I exclaimed, and rushed off to EB Games because it made sense to me at the time.

When I got there every goddamn TV in the room was screening it.

"I POLITELY DEMAND THE ENTIRE MOTHER 3 ANIME" 

The guy behind the counter says they don't have it yet.

"FFFFFFUCK."

Well, while I was here I figured I'd buy a game or two.

"Fine then, give me Dark Souls."

"Oh, that's a pretty fun game..."

The entire store hushes and watches him.

"...But too easy for my liking."

Everyone laughs uncontrollably.

"Yeah sure whatever, just gimme."

I throw money at him.

"No, you're kind of a filthy casual."

Everyone bursts into laughter again and more employees gather around me menacingly.

Furious that I have been denied two things I wanted (and called a filthy casual), I demand to fight all the employees.

"Just by yourself?" One employee asks.

"No, a tag team wrestling match, you and your loser friends against me...

...and my dad."

My dad walks in and strikes an incredibly manly pose that threatens the employees

He looked a little like this IMPORTANT NOTE: My dad is not Braum.

"STAND BEHIND ME." My dad says as he takes on the first challenger. He fights well, but the man's knocking on 50 and these are some hip young 20 year olds so naturally he's struggling a little. He tags me in, and in my furious state of bloodlust I immediately leap onto the employee, break his neck. And I start ripping out his organs and tearing out his hair.

I woke up after that.

Skeletons: 1 Fuckboys: 0

Ryan Takanashi: The Movie: The Comic 2: The Return of Ryan

Yeah another one of these, please look away.

Fun fact: Ryan Takanashi The Movie The Comic 2 was made solely so I could draw Lachlan fighting Ryan with the power of dance.

ALL ABOARD THE HYPE TRAIN

Today we have learnt that good things DO happen to good people.

And that I made this happen.

Just me.

Only me.

You're welcome you communist fuckclown.

GO AHEAD AND WORSHIP ME.

I AM YOUR GOD NOW.

Welcome to the League of Losers

(First things first I just need to say that I had a nightmare about Spingtrap and that morning FNAF3 was released. Again, not saying I'm a prophet that you should worship. I'm not. Saying. That.)

But yes. I'm not sure if you've noticed by now, but I love video games. They are crucial for me and my unstable personality with horrible revenge fantasies against the world and all it's inhabitants for unknowable and possibly tragic reasons. When people ask me "What kind of video games do you play?" I usually respond with League of Legends, because I play that game a lot (I have maybe clocked over 1000 hours of it, yeesh.) and it's generally well known (Being one of the most played games on the planet.) so people usually understand what I'm talking about.

Then they might start asking questions like "What is that game like?" and it's a really hard thing to describe to someone without knowledge of video games in general, I always brush off the question with an answer like "A strategy game about destroying people's bases" Which is a really awful generalization of League but hey, people get it so fuck you, nerd.

But someone more knowledgeable of games and maybe even League itself might ask a question like "Why do you play that game?" Which is really hard to answer due to the popularity and the nature of the game. League of Legends is after all infamous for it's utterly toxic fan-base, and with the game's insistence on teamwork and communication- sometimes among complete strangers under anonymous usernames. There's no question that matches can get high strung and frustrating.

That isn't even taking in-depth game mechanics into account, it's very possible that you can get behind- and maybe by extension your enemies getting further ahead in the game which can make you ineffective- and very easy to kill. And in the event you do end up practically giving away kills to your opponents, you will draw a lot of ire from your teammates.

"But Brandon..." you stutter out nervously among the million other people that for sure read this blog. "You make this 'League of Ledgers' sound like an awful experience! Are there any redeeming qualities to it?" It is at that point that I force you back into your cage, I was just getting to that you little shit. Learn to be patient!!

There are a lot of barriers that can easily put many people off League, but for the so many that stick to it, why do we do so? There are a lot of different answers people could give, so let me just start with positions and roles in the game. Assuming you stick to the very strict meta (which is dictated mostly by League's pro players) there are four positions in the game: Top, Mid, Bot, and Jungle.

Let's run over these positions in more detail:

(But before we do let me just lay down some lingo: When I say farming I don't mean we're going to break out some motherfuckin' tractors or some shit, in the game waves of little NPCs called minions rush down the lanes and start smacking each other up, delivering the killing blow on your enemies' minions gives you gold, this is called last-hitting, and casually last-hitting these guys for a while is called farming.)

(Also the playable characters are called champions.)

TOP: Probably the most versatile lane in League, as anyone can go there depending on your team composition (a very important thing in League, as it promotes synergy between champions) But it's typically reserved for tanks and fighters, up here you're going to try and farm and get as big and as nasty as possible, come mid-game. You're an unkillable monster with powerful crowd control and the front-line for team-fights.

MID: You'll find mages and assassins here, and most champions want to accomplish different things in this lane. Some want to farm farm farm until they can one hit people, while others want to keep the other laner preoccupied while they go roam elsewhere to fuck up someone's day, but the means to said goals are the same. You tend to kill people really fast and really fancy-like.

JUNGLE: Basically single-player career mode for the longest time. With a little help from your teammates at the start, you will begin your life of ruining everything for the monsters that roam the rift, different champions can accomplish different things in the jungle. Some will just happily farm in their own, others will go help out other lanes by forming an attack on their opponent (commonly called ganking) and some will counter-jungle the opposing jungler. Usually by stealing their farm or maybe even their life. There's an awful lot to do as the jungler, and everyone will want you to be everywhere at once. It's kind of like being an older brother, by which I mean it's thankless motherfuckin' work. And someone you like will probably end up dying. (Or does that just happen to me?)

BOT: Now here's where it gets interesting. Bot lane is the duo lane, two people are down here rather than the usual one, the two in question are

The ADC (Or Attack Damage Carry) is a late-game powerhouse of incredible sustained damage (whereas late-game mages or assassins specialize in one-target burst potential) but early-game ADCs can die to someone sneezing at them really hard. The objective of an ADC is- like most people in this game- is to farm farm farm until you have enough gold to make yourself relevant. But due to your little damage output, small health pool and no effective abilities. You're going to need some help, and that help will be...

The SUPPORT (A.K.A the designated bitch) Your job is to protect the ADC, (and the whole team in general really, but MOSTLY the ADC) you keep an eye out for any potential threats and bat away enemy laners as your ADC tries to farm safely. Come late-game and if everything's gone to plan, your little boy/girl is all grown up and is wrecking house with their immense damage, but your job is far from over, as you still offer a shit-load of utility for team-fights and- no matter how strong your ADC is, if they get caught out, they're dead in seconds. Unlike the Jungler, who nobody gives a shit about. Everybody loves the support and wants to play them so they can show off their skill, and nobody will hesitate to praise your crazy plays.

Now that you understand all the roles that can be played in League, you might see that they can all feel like a completely different game, and that's not even considering the different champions you can play as. As of writing there are about 120+ champions in League of Legends, all lovingly tailored to a specific role and play-style, there's no doubt in my mind that everyone will find at least one person they'll like (or at least find one that looks the prettiest SPOILER ALERT: Urgot is best waifu)

Aside from the immense variety present in the game, there's also the satisfaction in playing to the best of your ability. Making oh so wacky plays feels great. Winning in general feels great. It all comes down to so many factors, skill, knowledge, mechanics, even mind-games are satisfying to utilize. And when they work- holy fuck is it great. It's like Chess, but better and with more explosions.

So I think that's why I love playing League of Legends, and why other people might want to consider it if you can put in the time and effort. No one match is ever the same and pulling off crazy plays feels motherfuckin' glorious. But the game's biggest problem is that it's full of noobs and feeders gg holy shit my team is so bad Nidalee is OP as shit nerf plz holy fuckaglajgahsdgjasdgjlkjshflKGJHlakgjhitsmetLEAUHGLAJDGHALSJDG

Ryan Takanashi: The Movie: The Comic

I made this whole thing and I'm not proud.

It's basically a long comic strip of in-jokes I really wouldn't read it, I've put it up for personal "ease of access."

Fuck you it's not like this blog has standards to live up to or anything.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE? FUCKIN' DREAMS DUDE

This one had the potential to make sense, if I could remember the first half which for now is just a blur of livin' in the city, bludgeoning people in dark alleyways and fully recovering from injury with nothing but a band-aid. But I'm sure whatever happened was really good and frankly you should have been there.

But what I do remember starts off at my house, which just seems to change shape and structure frequently so I don't know what the fuck is going on there. But I go upstairs to play some goddamn video games cuz y'know me. I'm playing what could be an intensely gory Killer Instinct like this but that sexy slice of skeleton was a zombie instead and this fight was taking place in my room, which I never called into question, I just more or less attributed it to one of those fancy new virtual reality things you kids got going for ya today.

Speaking of kids, all my neighbors came over to my house to watch me play video games because I'm just cool like that. One pair of kids in particular were mighty familiar but I never really looked into that, even when it was basically confirmed that these two were the real thing out of the actual game, but fuck that I got nerds to 1v1.

Then my house transforms to...uhhhh.

Kinda like an ewok village/island resort looking place which is a nice way of saying WHERE'D MY FUCKIN HOUSE GO IT JUST KINDA DISAPPEARED I CAN'T PLAY VIDYA ANYMORE GODDAMN. But whatever, after mingling with my guests for a while I just kind of fucked off to the moon.

No, you read that right.

Accompanying me on my trip are another group of kids that look mighty- OH GODDAMMIT. Can you call copyright claims on my dreams? Jesus Christ.

But whatever, after walking around on a moon base for a while (Yes, there was a base on the moon.) We then learn about it's past (that involved a race of long dormant aliens being awakened after a soda machine was accidentally set to explode by- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I DON'T EVEN- No, no. It's fine. I don't care.

Then my crack team of agents comes across a destroyed robot that was to be sent back in time to just kinda help me out with whatever, after my mechanic fixes what basically looked like a pile of scrap earlier now looks like- FUCKING-

We delve into the twisted catacombs of an alien hive, fighting our way through unsightly abominations which I couldn't even describe to you if I tried, and eventually we come across the leader of the aliens which is- oh fuck off I'm done.

OH MY GOD A FIDDLESTICKS UPDA-

Hilarious.

SHIT'S FUCKED, YO.

Hey I'm not dead I just couldn't think of anything to write about.

So if you've ever read a single page of this blog (and why would you?)  you've probably noticed by way of behavioral instability, undying thirst for vengeance and getting really upset about no MOTHER 3 representatives in the new smash. You may have come to the realization that I'm...uhhhh...

Unhinged.

Crazy, insane, wuh wuh wuh wacky. I could go on.

But sure, despite all this I've always felt that I've shared a sense of unity with my own mind, I'm not talking zen here, I just mean that my brain isn't actively against me. Sure we enjoy screwing around with each other, I like to subject it to awful shit on the internet and it doesn't let me sleep ever. It's subconscious witty banter and the like.

But that kinda changed last night.

I have two kinds of dreams, I believe there are examples of both also in this blog.

1. Completely abstract and surreal, revolves around nothing in particular, can go literally anywhere.
2. Follows a (barely) coherent story, tends to imply messages and themes.

I also have two different kinds of nightmares.

1. Torture session.
2. Sightly more coherent longer torture session.

Sometimes (albeit rarely) I have follow up dreams that continue from one of my previous dreams, this has happened in the same night, on the next day, and once months and months from the original dream. My nightmares have never really followed suit on this.

But that kinda changed last night. (See I did that again pretty cool, huh?)

The first night I must have had eight or so nightmares, each one becoming more and more vivid and more and more clear in it's goals, to scare the shit out of me. It had succeeded, but nightmares are nightmares, right? I didn't really think about it.

What really stuck with me though, was the sort of transitions between nightmares, it would be me 'waking up' in my room, with each nightmare it became more and more convincing, like it was learning how to trick me, it had even nailed that dreary sort of vision when you first wake up and you're all like "just five more minutes please."

These transitions ended in all kinds of ways, sometimes I would think nothing of it and go back to 'sleep,' sometimes I'd get up and go into the living room where I'd find lots of dead bodies, Or I'd stay in my bed as I started to realize I wasn't awake.

But like I said, nightmares are just nightmares, right? No biggie, and it's not like it's the first time it does that fake wake up thing, it's happened plenty of times.

But the next night is what really fucked with me.

The first nightmare was me playing Five Nights at Freddy's 3. Except it wasn't, it was sort of like an ARG (Sort of like how they changed Portal's ending to lead into Portal 2.) Five Nights at Freddy's 2 had changed to lead into FNAF3.

It was 6AM, Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria had been reduced to ruins, singed and destroyed animatronics were littered on the ground. My objective? Get in my car, drive out of the parking lot and GTFO of there. Easy, right? Except you were playing a FNAF game, and for whatever reason you felt obliged to check the passenger seat for some spooky robot trying to kill you in it's final machine breaths. But you can't. It's 6AM. They're all dead.

You've won.

I've always loved it when video games blend the story with game mechanics in such a way to make a point. Like that scene in Hotline Miami, when you respawn even though it doesn't make sense, you just got shot by a rat looking motherfucker in your own house. MOTHERFUCKER YOU DEAD.

Stranger still, I wasn't actually playing this game- Well, I was. But at the same time I was watching a youtuber playing it. Complete with face-cam so you can see every time they're like AAH SO SCARY. I could actually skip forward into the video while still playing the game, I was basically fast forwarding time. And you know how they give you a little preview if you hover over a certain time in a YouTube video. Yeah, well I could see a jumpscare into the future and just kinda skipped it like that. Huh.

And then I wake up and go back to sleep or whatever I don't even know.

The next nightmare was the kicker though, I was in a house with two concerned parents, some motherfucker was like openly mocking them for having a severe down-syndrome kid. I'm talking like serious brain damage, barely alive, always in severe pain for the rest of his life. It's sort of a gray area whether or not that kind of person should be 'put to sleep.'

As a morally just and caring person I immediately console these two parents, which was a big fucking mistake because they were both completely insane. The mother was on a serious hair trigger and would probably tear out my jugular if I said the wrong thing. The father was just odd and burst out into rap at points. This situation became increasingly more uncomfortable and tense until I 'woke up' for the last time.

Everything was fine, but I could see odd things happening in my peripheral vision, until eventually I felt a burning sensation, looking down, I could see and feel my flesh melting away. As it bubbled and warped I hear a loud shrill voice: "ARE YOU READY FOR MORE FUN?!"

No I certainly fucking wasn't, I started panicking and woke up for realsies. For hours I refused to go back to sleep in fear of what could happen next. The way my nightmares became increasingly more malevolent over the course of two days was terrifying.

so yeah fuck sleep im staying awake forever