Ohhhhhhhhhh nnnnnooooooooo

Not another insanity-induced nightmare, surely? Yeah that's right FUCK YOU IT'S THAT TIME.

This one's short so count your blessings.

I'm lying on my bed drawing, in a house I used to live in waaaaaaay waaaaaaay waaaaay motherfuckin' back in England. I'm impressed at how vividly I remember it.

As I'm drawing fuck knows what some anime girl shows up in the reflection on paper. I can buy that.

"Hey senpai! Are you gonna draw me today?"

Did that actually just happen.

Did someone actually just motherfuckin' say that in my dream.

No FUCK YOU. My dreams are better than this.

Seeking something a little more original, I put my drawing book to the side (and out of the fucking window.) And turn on the lights (It was getting dark and I get sceeeaaaared) And it immediately breaks and starts sending sparks everywhere. Like a lot of fucking sparks everywhere. The entire room is just sparks, I leave the room and they're still hitting me. I'm downstairs far away from the room, still sparks.

I burst into the next room hoping there'll be someone to help me, when I notice that my Dad and a perfect duplicate of him are sitting in this room.

I have two dads.

I have two-

I have- I have-

I have two dads.

Fuck it, I'm out. This is a world I don't want to live in. In a desperate attempt to escape, I do the worst thing imaginable, I open the door to the outside, in the infinite dark.

Here's one thing you never, ever do in one of my nightmares, you don't go fuckin' wandering in the dark unless you want some serious shit to go down. It's basically an invitation for my brain to send in the most fucked up things it can imagine. It's just become a rule for me at this point, one I follow subconsciously, BUT I WANTED THIS ONE TO STOP. IT WAS DUMB. ANIME GIRLS, FUCKIN' SPARKS, TWO DADS. I WANTED IT ALL TO END. IT HAD TO END. IF THAT MEANT FACING THE WORST OF THE WORST, THE SCARIEST OF THE SCARY. SO BE IT.

Then I hear his voice.

"Ah've got ye naow, laddeh."

I don't actually have to tell you whose voice that was, right?

It could have brought in anything.

But it brought in Shrek.

Granted, I was fucking petrified at the time, but in retrospect, really? Was that really the best it could do?

I was feeling extra special brave at this point, already having slapped a 'traumatize me' sticker on my back and waltzing in to the fucking dead zone, so in the most dismissive essex boy accent (of which I am so well known for) I could muster, I simply say "fuk off m8" but all that came out was a strangled whisper.

"Come closer, let meh see yer face."

He has me now.

It was all ogre.

DUDE WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HONESTLY THINK PEOPLE CARE

No it's okay hear me out this one's a NIGHTMARE woooOOoOoOoOoOoo.

Kay so it starts out at my house or a really uncomfortable blend of past houses I've been in, and I'm having a party YEEAAHHHH WOOOOOOOO so naturally in this kind of craaazy situation I sit down with a couple of friends and...watch tv.

Mmm.

So yeah we're watching Whose Line is it Anyway but not because it has some weird taste testing thing incorporated into it? (Whose Meal is it Anyway?) And I'm watching myself in it on live broadcasting? Like at first I dismiss it as a lookalike, but not only does he look like me, he talks, acts, and seems utterly disinterested in what's going on and is only there to screw around with the other competitors...like me.

Yeah so a whole lot of fucking nothing happens for a while, but then I start hearing noise, cheering and clapping and music and whatnot, I go outside and it's... everyone.

Literally everyone I have ever met is there.

Just dancing.

And I'm pretty sure it's the greatest thing ever.

Like it's not just everyone I KNOW, it's everyone I KNOW OF. Friends, family, youtube personalities (you haven't LIVED until you've seen Totalbiscuit krumping, by the way.) hell even fictional characters (no one ever brought up how that's possible but sure that's fine.)

Seeing this bizarre spectacle, I immediately walk back inside, I'm missing my boring-ass show.

Fffffffuck you, me.

I walk back upstairs, and I notice that all my friends are gone (maybe they're all off dancing? one of them's in the bathroom just next to my room, the light's on so...) I also notice that it's dead silent.

I can't hear any of the people outside anymore, the tv's off, the lights are off (save for the bathroom which is the only thing just barely illuminating the room I'm in.

Okay, little fun fact about me: I HATE the quiet, like not the peaceful kind of quiet where you can tell there are things going on around you. It's dead fucking silence I'm terrified of. Also the dark, yeah, fuck the dark? It's why I'm not much of a night person because silence and dark go hand in hand at that time like motherfuckin' gravy and skittles the point is I DO NOT LIKE THIS AT ALL.

So at this point I'm not even daring myself to move an inch, when I hear knocking at my door, I'm sure it's one of my friends and I immediately rush to open it.

That's when a zombie teenage girl (that I might have been able to recognize had she not have been decomposing.) looks at me with the creepiest face ever. "I WAS IN THAT BATHROOM FOR FIFTEEN YEARS, BRANDON."

That line was ridiculous to me even then, not even in one of the scariest scenarios possible for me could I not be scared because of that fucking line.

And then I woke up, or something. Admittedly the next four or so hours are a fucking mess for me. It might have been about three instances of me waking up inside a nightmare with me waking up in real life between that. I couldn't fucking tell you even if I tried. I'd 'wake up' to knocking at my door, then I'd be walking around investigating 'my room' finding dead bodies in my closet and portals to another dimension as my doors. I might have been scaring the shit out of someone by walking around my house at 5am or I might have never left my bed, the jury's out on that one. I don't really think I want to know either.

The last nightmare I can remember revolves playing TF2 with THESE FAGGOTS which is weird because I don't even like TF2 or THOSE FAGGOTS but that's cool that's fine. We're playing on a map that I honestly don't think actually exists. It's a dock that's nearly pitch black, you can see like 5ft in front of you. It would be kinda cool if it wasn't terrifying.

And you know it was kind of fun, there was banter and whatnot, you'd kill someone and then beg they come back immediately because goddamn is it scary up in here.

Eventually because I'm the best TF2 player ever the three of them ganged up on me and I had no choice but to pull off the most amazing badassery ever, KILLED EM ALL IN ONE HIT EACH. Save for the last guy that tried hacking but fuck that guy he CAN'T BEAT ME. YOU READING THIS, MOTHERFUCKER?

Anyway, after my glorious victory I couldn't help but notice that they all ragequit. And I was stuck in that server.

By myself.

In the dark.

Ohhhh.

I think I was using an oculus rift or something because 1. I had been playing the game through my eyes the whole time and 2. I had no idea how to open the menu and leave. So I was stuck wandering forever.

And I know something utterly horrifying happened at the very end of the nightmare before I woke up for realsies. But I don't remember, it's a trauma thing I guess. All I remember was this looking at me.

Oh not another fucking dream

Oh no, back here again?

Well alright, let's get this over with.

It starts out in the British houses of parliament (naturally) where a Mortal Kombat-esque fighting game is taking place (complete with your favourite characters, black man, that girl with the huge breasts and SCORPION) and it's one of those contrived story modes where two people meet and get angry at eachother “WE FIGHT NOW!” I ignore this and head off the to exciting place.

A waiting room/classroom/whatever.

Yeah.

And I have to fill out forms! Woo-hoo! Best dream ever!

I get the gist at this point that I'm planning on overseas travel (Given what people have said to me and what's written on the form) so get this.

If you live in Australia you have to fill out one form. If you live in Australia and you're British you have to write both forms. If you live in Australia and you're British and you're black. You have to write out all three. (That's racist.)

Whatever, I punch out one of the bitch staff members and move on.

So then I arrive at my destination. Some island in the middle of nowhere so I could meet my...cousins? I have cousi- okay.

Let me try to draw this out for you...

Did I happen to mention this place was a DISASTER ZONE waiting to happen? Because it was. Faulty electrical outlets, the houses were built on SAND (you're not supposed to do that, right?) fucked up architecture with no rhyme or reason and one of my cousins (about 9) was walking around with electric ping pong paddles (I shit you not, I checked his inventory)

Oh yeah, there's kids here. Two adorable twin boy- wait a second.

A family of four including twin boys living on a remote island in the middle of nowhere? This premise sounds awful familia- no. No I'm just crazy.

Moving swiftly along, nothing fucked up happens for a while (some hillbilly comes up ranting and raving about his boat but whatever) All the while I'm freaking the fuck out because I know full well something bad has to happen here, but nope.

Except one of my cousins is staring at a cloud that looks like this. And I swear to GOD I've seen this before (complete with green lightning! No one mentioned that lightning was green here):

Hold on.

Oh no.

Oh motherfucking shit.

I got the feeling that things were about to reach a climax and something either really interesting or really soul crushingly depressing was about to happen, mostly because the last five minutes of the dream were accompanied by a fucking dirge complete with the most awful singing ever foreshadowing events (shit like dark distant towns and people dying) which was a real shame because I feel like my brain went all out on this one but I woke up before anything exciting happened. Oh well. It was all still pretty fucked up.

Did I mention never eat chocolate before bed? Also, chocolate chip cookies fucking count. And you know they count. Like oh my god who cares if it was 3 in the morning you know this shit.