Sellout 4: The Casual Market

I like to think of myself as a big Bethesda fan. Oblivion was my first of course. Many had gripes with the english countryside that was copy-pasted across the entire gameworld but I found it charming and was a nice cure for homesickness at the time. Then my teacher of all people recommended Fallout 3 to me. He had hyped it up as a game where you could roast grandmothers in an underground vault, oh wowie! I picked it up immediately and happened to notice they were both made by the same company. I couldn't believe my luck, I may have a deep love for medieval fantasy, but a post-apocalyptic future where america never got past the age of red scares and militant homophobia was going to win out every time as a choice of theme.

Just as I finally put that game down, Fallout: New Vegas was announced the very same week. I had hit the fuckmothering jackpot by now surely. It doesn't get much better than robot cowboys, how they fail to process country justice is just so endearing.

Following that was Skyrim, which may just be heralded as one of the greatest games of all time, thrusting Bethesda into the public eye, and it showed. Many complained that the game was simplified for the casual market but the game manages to strike a balance for the most part . (COUGH all the quests are boring as shit COUGH)

Then, after years of absolute silence, silence so profound some fuckass thought he'd stir up the community with a fake ARG. (No one cares you tried to get a statement out of Bethesda, you are still a twat.) Fallout 4 was finally announced in 2015, set to be released later that year. The hype was incredible, you could almost taste it. "VOICED PROTAGONISTS AND SETTLEMENT BUILDING AND IT'S SET IN BAWSTIN!" The masses would cry, everybody was so fuckmothering ready. And so was I! This was going to be a Fallout for the next generation! Too bad the next generation is shit.

What we got was a controversial little pile of disappointments, but there was a good game in there! I enjoyed what I played and I had high hopes for what was next...until Todd Howard graced us with his presence and told us to fuck off, Nuka World is the last of FO4's DLC.
This sobering news had me wander back into the wastes, disillusioned, and looked upon the commonwealth in despair. "Was it all for nothing?" I think to myself as I stand on top of a lighthouse, looking out into the irradiated sea. "Yes, probably." Mutters my robot companion, what a fucking jerk.

I came to look at Fallout 4 (I've come to calling it Sellout 4: The casual market, haha!) as a whole and finally faced a lot of the facts I really didn't want to initially, and I'm finally ready to judge it on it's own merits. All of them. Right now. Let's go.


THE PLOT: OR WHY IS IT ALL ABOUT THE SYNTHS?

Synthetic humans, machines made to emulate people. How would they integrate with society? What kind of conflict would there be in a world where anyone could be a machine, even you? How would you know if you were a synth or not? What does it mean to be human? These are all very profound questions, indeed. What I want to know is what the fuck it has to do with Fallout.
Seriously, I always thought it was a weird choice as the plot point for the ENTIRE GAME. I could easily see it in an expansion, but the ENTIRE GAME? Especially since Bethesda handles plot so clumsily nowadays. To have such profound ideas in such an unfocused story never sat well with me.
Besides, Fallout has always been about the concept of war, and how no matter what, it never changes, countless others will be made, that's just human nature, baby! We will rebuild and do it allllll over again! The seven deadly sins just hold an iron grip over our souls. Fuck, who says it's just seven? Here's an eighth sin for you: fuckassery.

I just don't see how synths enter that mix, are we now saying that war isn't just limited to human nature, machines would gladly carry the warmongering torch for us? Are synths just another tool of destruction that we hold in our hands? Or are Bethesda just fucking idiots? Much like the epic rap battles of our history, only you decide.

And then there's the main quest, oh boy. You are a man/woman frozen in time from when the bombs fell, you wake up, your FILTHY CIS STRAIGHT partner is dead and your son is missing. You assume he's a baby, then he might be ten, but then he's seventy fucking years old and you're just about to outlive him. Admittedly, "Father" being your son was a pretty good twist. But that's it for ingenuity when it comes to the main quest. If he even is your fucking son. You're not allowed to further question that or get a paternity/maternity test? I mean, I never really doubted it at the time but fuck. That old man could have easily been fucking with you.

Also, turns out you didn't have to choose between nuking boston or killing your son. Which I always thought was bullshit, why would Bethesda let you destroy the entire game world after saying that the game doesn't end after the main story. Were you just going to mill about in a double nuked wasteland? (I call them wasted wastelands)


THE FACTIONS: OR WHY EVERYONE IS TERRIBLE

The Brotherhood of Steel: I've never really liked the Brotherhood, no good hoarding quasi-religious techno fascists if you ask me. But this time around I downright despised them from the word go. They felt genuinely condescending in any and all dialogue I had with them.
And god, did they feel more evil than the so called evil faction, no qualms about nuking anyone with more tech than them, outright demanding the execution of one of their top ranking paladins just because he was a synth and straight up bullying civilians for food and tech. What crawled up their collective ass and died in this game? I think if you give anyone an airship, they immediately become a jackass.

Elder Maxson looks like a right fuckboy as well. Fuck that guy.

The Railroad: I quite enjoyed the railroad questline, being in an underground resistance movement, smuggling synths around as a shadowy network of agents was pretty freaking cool. The only problem is I didn't agree with a single thing the Railroad ever says. Synths are little more than machines running programs, as much as they look and feel otherwise, they're not real people and could never be. IT'S IN THEIR CODE.

The Railroad themselves are paranoid at best and delusionally fanatic at their worst. They really would kill countless people to liberate a vending machine.

The Institute: They're built up to be the bad guys of the entire game. Truly evil diabolical boogeyman who kidnap the people from the surface and replace them with synths. They never try to justify why they do this, either. They'll tell you they're just the misunderstood scientists, feared by those ignorant surface dwellers. Just before asking you to replace a surface dweller with a synth, and then not telling you why.

Strangely enough, their faction ending is the only one that doesn't end up setting off a nuclear blast in downtown Boston. Makes you think who's really the good guys here, doesn't it? Because it isn't the institute either. In fact everyone in this game is shady as shit.

The Minutemen: Oh yeah, it's the yes man faction. Should you be discharged from the techno nazis, exiled from the idiot scientists,  swiftly ending your career as a double agent for the fanatic robo-fetishists, the Minuteman will rise up and demand you nuke the Institute.
Wait, what?

Yeah, should you fuck up all other questlines, that "people's militia defending the poor settlers from the evil wastes" will take over and become hideously bloodthirsty, I'm impressed that Bethesda made a faction with no character go out of character.
Everything else about the Minutemen is boring as fuck, blah blah settlement needs help.


THE QUESTS: OR WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE LEARNT ANYTHING FROM SKYRIM?

If you've never played an older Bethesda title, you wouldn't have noticed the almost jarring drop in quest quality (QQ for short) that Fallout 4 has compared to New Vegas, which was developed by Obsidian, who have good writers, where Bethesda does not, anymore. They disappeared somewhere after they were done with Oblivion. If I may derail things for a moment just to get a rant or two off my chest, I would like to compare Oblivion's Dark Brotherhood questline with Skyrim's. Mostly because I couldn't tell you anything about Fallout 4's quests. Shit man, it's all just a blur of "HAVE YOU SEEN MY SON?" Seriously, I checked the wiki and had a look at all the quests and none of them are noteworthy (save for the silver shroud, which is ONLY because your player character gets to talk like the silver shroud. It's like the one point in the game I have to concede some props too, if only a little.)

OBLIVION: The Dark Brotherhood questline begins when you kill any named NPC in the game, the next time you sleep (which actually has a purpose in Oblivion because it is required in order to level up) you will be visited by the legendary Lucien Lachance, who offers you membership if you murder a not so innocent man as your first contract.

You are then welcomed into the family, who are a bunch of unhinged serial killers. A crude, yet kind orc """assassin""", a forever grateful girl, saved from poverty, a tsundere catman, two calm, level-headed shadowscales, a morbid vampire and a polite young wood elf.

That's where things get exciting! Before long you had infiltrated a pirate ship, help faked a man's death, returned to the prison you started in to kill your cruel cell-mate, stage a terrible accident, kill a drunk in the streets, poison a sickly warlord, lock yourself in a house with six other people and orchestrate the greatest murder mystery of all time, and "retire" an imperial legion commander, obsessed with tracking the brotherhood down.

But then something goes wrong, Lucien Lachance requests your presence and tells you there's an assassin among assassins, one that plans to undo the brotherhood. You must purify your own sanctuary, and murder your own family, one by one.

From then onward your contracts are given to you by dead drops, you stop a necromancer from achieving immortality, slaughter an entire bloodline, put down a boxer that knows you're coming, bestow judgement on a known psychotic, ambush a dunmer merchant in a forest, fight a nord and his beast on the top of an icy mountain and assassinate a wood elf under the statue of the lucky old lady.
Lucien runs up to you in a rage and demands to know what you've done. Someone has switched out your dead drops with their own, asking you to unknowingly and systematically murder the members of the Black Hand. You stake out the next dead drop site for the traitor, you find and approach him only to discover that it's just an innocent who was paid to deliver the dead drops by a stranger in the Anvil lighthouse. Said place is a nightmare, corpses strewn across everywhere, and the scrawlings of a madman revealing the story of a boy whose mother was murdered by Lucien himself, who went insane and swore revenge.

You go to report this information to Lachance, but you find that he has been brutally murdered and hanged by the surviving Black Hand members, who had thought him as the traitor.
Finally, you go to the Night Mother's shrine, where the killer will reveal himself and murder the last of the Black Hand, before you end his carnage.

SKYRIM: The Dark Brotherhood has been crippled since the events of Oblivion, and their sanctuaries have been exterminated one by one, until only one remains in Skyrim, the Dark Brotherhood has no listener and the Black Sacrament is only heard about through rumours. Everything you did in the previous game was fucking pointless.

The questline begins when you butcher a cruel old lady in her own orphanage by the request of a runaway orphan. You are then kidnapped by Astrid, the Brotherhood's only leader and she isn't happy about you killstealing from them. Which is bullshit because the Brotherhood as mentioned only know about Black Sacraments through rumours. And Skyrim is a huge place. Can Astrid even really call herself a Dark Brotherhood member if she doesn't even follow the tenets? You start thinking that Astrid is an idiot.

Whatever, you stab one of three (or all) victims to repay your debt to her. You are welcomed into the last of the Dark Brotherhood who feel a lot more like mercenaries for hire than serial killers. Your family consists of a shadowscale, a grumpy werewolf, a dark elf, a cranky old man, a 300 year old vampire girl, a black person, and the joker a psychotic jester. The Five tenets have been completely abandoned and little culture remains between members. They're just a gaggle of stab-happy cutthroats.

You stab a mine boss, an emaciated beggar, a paranoid recluse and some girl's ex who was a bandit king, as well as a bit of a dick. Astrid becomes increasingly concerned with Cicero, the jester. Who locks himself in the Night Mother's chamber and speaks in hushed tones to someone, but who? You hide in the Night Mother's coffin. (WITH the Night Mother, a decrepit old corpse by the way) only to find that Cicero is just having one-sided conversations with the Night Mother herself.
But then, she appoints you as Listener of the Dark Brotherhood, and asks you to speak with Amaund Motierre, the first real contract in who knows how long. Astrid however, seems to have forgotten what the Dark Brotherhood is all about, and promptly demands you not do as the Night Mother asks. Like an idiot. You stab a shitty bard and a vampire before she comes around.
Amaund hires you to remove several people, culminating with the assassination of THE FUCKMOTHERING EMPEROR which hasn't been attempted since the time you saw it happen in Oblivion.

You stab a lizard, a cat, and an elf before beginning the murder of the century, because killing the emperor was the only way to up the ante of course.

You stab a bride at her own wedding, an old servant, a dunmer sorcerer, the housecarl of Falkreath, (nobody gives a shit about Falkreath) a pirate, and the son of the commander of the emperor's special forces.

Then Cicero goes berserk because nobody respects the old ways, and how the Dark Brotherhood is now little more than a gaggle of stab-happy cutthroats (and they are). You follow him to an abandoned sanctuary and kill him (but you don't have to and you shouldn't)
You stab a celebrity chef and impersonate him, easily infiltrating a castle where you poison the emperor's meal and launch the Dark Brotherhood back into infamy.

But you don't because that was a decoy and you were set up by your own family, they handed you over in return for the EMPEROR'S SPECIAL FORCES THAT FUCKING HATE THE DARK BROTHERHOOD TO JUST FORGET ABOUT THEM.

SPOILER ALERT: THE EMPEROR'S SPECIAL FORCES DOUBLE-CROSS THE DARK BROTHERHOOD AND KILL HALF OF THEM ANYWAY. BECAUSE ASTRID IS AN IDIOT.

You return to your sanctuary, which is being raided and set alight. Everyone is dead except the black guy and the vampire girl. Because letting them die would be wrong. After rescuing them, you promptly abandon them to sleep with the Night Mother in her coffin for a bit.
Black guy then pulls you out of the coffin holding no hard feelings to the whole "leaving him for dead" thing you pulled a couple of minutes ago, he doesn't even mention it, or how he survives a burning sanctuary, or anything.

The Night Mother then informs you of a black sacrament that was just performed... in this very sanctuary. Confused, you wander into Astrid's room, where her corpse, burned beyond recognition lies. She IS the Black Sacrament, she had done this for...some sentimental reason, probably. You stab her with her own knife. Astrid dies an idiot.

Then you head to Solitude docks, to kill the emperor and honour your contract. But first, you stab Commander Maro. Because he is a dick.

You swim into the Emperor's ship, stabbing your way through innocent dock workers and dick workers. Before coming face to face with the emperor himself, who tries really hard to be the only interesting character in this questline. He's pretty cool about the whole dying thing and looks out into the sea as he waits for your knife to plunge into his back. But not before requesting that you kill the man who ordered this contract in the first place.

You meet with Amaund Motierre and he rewards you with 35,000 gold. You can also stab him too I guess, it's hard to feel bad for a person with no personality apart from 'snob.'
If you honestly believe Skyrim's questline is better, that is because you're either
A: an idiot
or B: Thomas, who thinks that anything older is, by extension, inferior. The same person who thinks that Gears of War is a more noteworthy achievement for Epic Games than Unreal Tournament. That one game that launched Epic Games into popularity which they even named their game engine after. So I don't know dude. You probably just fit into category A just fine.

THE DIALOGUE: OR WHERE HAS ALL THE CLEVER WRITING GONE?

This was a point of controversy even before the game came out, and even Todd Howard himself looks back on it with a tinge of regret. A voiced protagonist is a great thing for immersion, as long as they are well voiced (and many would argue FO4's protagonists aren't) but when it comes to an RPG like Fallout it tightens the grip on dialogue options. Which is very, very bad. Fallout has always prided itself on it's varied player dialogue (save for FO3 maybe) and to have it ripped away like that was jarring for some, infuriating for others.

And god, oh god. Has that grip gotten ever so tightened, conversations typically go with the aid of four different dialogue options
1. Yes
2. No (Yes)
3. Sarcastic (Yes)
4. Unsure (Leads into Yes)

Sarcastic is easily the most offensive, most of the time the choice isn't even sarcastic. Surely 'asshole' could have been a better name for it?

Actually, let's just stop here with talking about the dialogue, because there's not a whole lot more we can say. Just like our protagonist AMIRITE?

THE ROLEPLAY: OR WHY THIS GAME SHOULD CONFORM TO MY FETISHES

Obviously, the lack of dialogue makes roleplay (one of the defining elements in a roleplaying game I would argue) difficult. Impossible even. Your character is always a martyr of the fucking wastes. He can be a bit of a "sarcastic" dick maybe, but he would still take a nuke to the face if it meant saving a young ghoul puppy. Even siding with the institute- the kidnapping, murdering mad scientists with an army of terminators, arguably the most evil ending (well, the brotherhood ending is just nuking half of downtown boston for the lolz pretty much) will still end well because father was brainwashed into believing the people above ground were beyond saving so he did a lot of bad shit. And with you as the director you will probably begin mass production of rainbow-spewing unicorns or something. Because you are just that sickeningly sweet.

Your character is always a loving retired army veteran(male) or lawyer (female) in a small home raising a young boy. In New Vegas, your backstory is that you're a courier that unknowingly set off a nuke in what would become the divide. That's it. Everything else was up to you. Even Fallout fucking 3 did this better. In that game you carefully guided your character from birth to adulthood, making choices about what kind of person they were as you went. Your only real motivation was trying to find Liam Neeson. Which is everyone's motivation in life, really.

Even my most normie of friends seem to agree that having your own character be a separate entity from you is less fun. EVEN NORMIES KNOW.

Also, your character can do a complete 180 from the whole straight thing and go gay, still wearing your long dead wife's wedding ring. And that's fucked up.


THE COMPANIONS: OR WHY YOU JUST KEEP THE DOG

Dogmeat: God-tier bropupper. Protect at all costs.

Codsworth: God-tier brobot. Shit at combat but you can give him all the upgrades he needs. Can say your name. British boy.

Piper: OOH LOOK AT THIS STRONG WOMAN CHARACTER TRICKING HER WAY INTO DIAMOND CITY AGAIN! OOH LOOK THERE SHE IS AGAIN ASKING QUESTIONS AT VALENTINE'S DETECTIVE AGENCY! OOOOH AND THERE SHE IS AGAIN SNOOPING AROUND AT THE MAYOR'S OFFICE! SHE'S SO BALLSY AND INTERESTING!

Fuck off.

Cait: Disapproves of everything you do like a real life woman. Need subtitles to understand her awful voice. Reminded me of why I hate the irish.

Buzz Lightyear Paladin Danse: Self righteous asshole. Isn't a real boy.

Deacon: Creepy stalker. Annoyingly unfunny.

Hancock: Ghoul sex god. Badass mayor. #1 kissboy.

MacCready: Is actually that one kid from Little Lamplight. Pretty awesome. Why did they bring him back again?

Nick Valentine: God-tier Brodroid. Cool outfit. Cannot fuck.

Preston Garvey: Another settlement needs your help.

Strong: Inferior to Fawkes.

X6-88: Speaks highly of your combat skills.

Ada: Lost her bros. Nice robot lady.

Longfellow: Foxy grandpa. Total bro.

Porter: Raider

THE GUNPLAY: OR OKAY, YOU GOT ONE THING RIGHT.

Fallout 4 improved massively in terms of gunplay, you have a dedicated grenade button, can peek out of corners and melee with your gun. Which makes Fallout 4 feel much more like a shooter rather than an RPG that you could also for sure shoot a gun or two in. Combat in Fallout 4 is fun and brutal, where 3 or New Vegas is horrendous and passable (because of the SICK iron sights addition) respectively.

But what the fuck even are scopes? You get maybe a full second of staring at a black screen while your character mentally prepares himself for the absolutely exhausting prospect of looking down a sight, by the time you have accomplished that, the ghoul you were hoping to shoot has changed position entirely and is already clawing at your face. Fuck ghouls by the way, they're the kings of cheap shots. They randomly and erratically lunge at you, becoming impossible to shoot and they get some free radiation damage on you. Fuck those zombie fucks.

I did walk away from E3 thinking that you could piece together weapons macgyver style, but the weapon customization system is really quite binary. Your choices consist mostly of

good choice

gooder choice

the goodest choice

Rather than choose between trade-offs or the most stylish design, you pick good, gooder, or goodest. Although you can really GET CREATIVE with weapon types like the plasma weapons and...the pipe guns.

Holy shit. Pipe guns. Who came up with pipe guns. Who designed those orange pieces of shit that are never appealing in the slightest way. Why would you ever think I would want to shoot a slab of wood with a bullet hole at the end. Fuck you for thinking that.

But yes, you can create a handheld plasma thrower that sets people on fire or a plasma rifle shotgun...thing. I guess it's enough to quench that particular thirst, but was it really impossible to do the same thing with other gun types?

Enemies are good for the most part, but fuck if they don't get bullet spongey even halfway through playthroughs. That shit will never be fun, if any aspiring game devs are reading, don't make your enemies bullet spongey to increase difficulty. It will never be good. SPEAKING OF ENEMIES. Legendary enemies/weapons make no sense and belong in Borderlands or some shit.

Also, there is no more weapon holstering. You just pull your guns out of your ass. Why did they do that.


THE UI: OR IS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO MAKE A PC-SPECIFIC ONE

God it's ugly.


CASUALIZATION: OR THE GUYS AT NO MUTANTS ALLOWED WERE RIGHT! THEY'RE STILL JERKS THOUGH.

A lot of people saw the writing on the wall upon playing Skyrim, and could see where Bethesda was ultimately headed as a company. With Skyrim however, you can easily argue in favour of nearly every change they have made in the name of streamlining. Removing unnecessary skill trees, (fuck you I will forever miss mysticism though) weapon/armour degredation, removing the ability to make your own fuckmothering spells. (This was overpowered as shit)

But everything they have changed since 3/New Vegas has just been straight dumbing down the game. Skills and traits are gone, stats are largely inconsequential and do little more than unlock more perks to you. Said perks being fewer in number than last games and kind of dull, especially how they all have multiple ranks, this game feels like a shooter pretending to be an RPG.

The dumbing down becomes all the more apparent when the game assumes you have no patience and just hands over all kinds of shit to you. Getting power armour in previous games was an earned achievement, something you needed to dedicate a perk point to or go through a whole questline for. In Fallout 4? I dunno dude you get it in the first half hour of play.


THE DLC: OR WHERE WAS THREE DOG

Personally, I had looked past many of the gripes I had with FO4, because Fallout's DLC has always been leagues above their original games. Fallout 3 becomes fucking playable again after the main quest, Skyrim gets Vampires, Housebuilding and a love letter for Morrowind fans. New Vegas has it's own standalone story and arc for your player character over the course of four dlcs that feels both personal and yet doesn't interfere with the story you've thought up for your character. What does Fallout 4 get?

Workshop DLC and Point Lookout 2: Lovecraftian Boogaloo

Now don't get me wrong, I fucking loved Point Lookout, and I think Far Harbor is

A: Really fucking good.

and B: A lot like Point Lookout, which I fucking loved.

BUT YOU MADE IT ALL ABOUT SYNTHS AGAIN, THEY EVEN ASK YOUR OWN PLAYER CHARACTER IF HE'S A SYNTH. FUCK OFF. I DIDN'T NEED THAT SHIT IN MY POSSIBLY FABRICATED LIFE.

And another thing, where was all that underwater shit they were talking about? Ghoul whales and giant squid. That ended up being a whole lot of nothing. I dreaded every moment spent near any body of water in that DLC, out of the fear that something really was lurking in those inky depths. And I swear the Red Death was some kind of insult to anyone who expected something like that. All you had to do was get that harpoon gun you made and throw in a diver suit themed set of power armour. And that could have been the coolest shit ever. But no. You didn't. Sorry if all the creepy dolphin corpses didn't blow me away in terms of irradiated sea creatures.

But Far Harbour is still really good. Which makes it ALL the more infuriating because Bethesda devoted all their time and effort into

Workshop DLC.

The workshop is a neat feature and keeps with Fallout's theme of rebuilding civilization, you get to do it YOURSELF this time! But it's a gimmick and gets boring very, very quickly. Especially how demanding it is resource-wise. I was much less scavenging for supplies in a dead world than I was GRABBING EVERY TIN CAN IN SIGHT, LIKE SOME KIND OF DERANGED HOARDER. BUT THEN ALL THAT JUNK RESPAWNS ANYWAY, WHICH MEANT MY JOB WAS NEVER OVER, AND I COULD NEVER REST. It was very unhealthy.

Workshop DLC does not fix this, at all. It's just more gimmicks and a little more time to waste. Although Automatron is the only one I enjoyed. As I slowly build a robot army to claim the entire wasteland. I will finish what that shitty mechanist cosplayer never could.

And then there's the kicker. They've just decided to stop making FO4 dlc. That's what's caused me to start writing this whole thing, I've forgiven their every fuckup because I honestly believed that their dlc would redeem their shitty game.

Nuka World better fucking blow me away.






Nuka World didn't blow me away.

I struggled to even play it, that's how bored I was.

I tried so hard to go in with a clean slate and look at it objectively, but FUCK man. I wanted to stop playing just 10 minutes in. Waddling my way over to a railway station, shooting some boring gunners, meeting a boring man who pretended to not be boring so I would agree to save his boring family while my boring character drolls on about something boring no doubt. BUT SYKE! HE WAS A RAIDER ALL ALONG AND NOW YOU'RE TRAPPED WITH ALL THESE OTHER RAIDERS THAT WANT YOU TO DIE! Except they've pulled this exact same trick on you in this very game. Granted, this one is much larger scale.

Immediately, you kill the king of the raiders and are in charge of the entire faction. Seriously, what's up with this game and just handing over free shit to you? Then the game just opens up and tells you to fuck off and clear out every single park on the map. It's so bad and it's so tedious that I just couldn't do it. I had to stop. I'm sorry.

Everything else I know about Nuka World I have gleamed from friends, reviews and videos.
Perhaps you thought that the writing in FO4 is bad, and that you were stuck as a good guy and it was not fun. Well don't you worry sport, Nuka World has your back! This time you are forced at gunpoint to be an atrocious villain, which actually makes Preston leave your service out of shock. INSTEAD of another settlement needing your help, another settlement needs a good raiding.

Fuck you.

And if you maybe don't like your "character" doing a complete moral 180, you just have to stop playing the dlc. Approximately 60% of the content is gone. You're just left with all these fun parks!

Fuck you.


THE CONCLUSION: OR WHY I WANT THIS LIFE TO END

So there it is.

Fallout 4.

We waited five years for this.

You could argue that hype culture killed the game, and you'd be right to a degree. But ultimately the decisions made by Bethesda have warped this game into something unrecognizable to market it to a wider audience. They'll lose diehard fans from this, sure. But will it really matter to them?

Probably not.

I think everyone and their dog is praying for Bethesda to swallow their pride and hand over the franchise to Obsidian for another round, I wonder if they would just go back on the dialogue system. Do you think people would be confused if they just took out the voiced protagonist Because that would be funny.

The Rucioch Vault:Treasures of Meme's past

For the sake of easy access and just in case no one saw them before, here are the comics that Thomas made. They are nice.

http://savemefromthememes.blogspot.com.au/

We both had the same idea to make a star wars themed Ryan Takanashi but I think his is better.

Just look at that poster, it's lit.

Escape from Anime Heaven

I have been beaten at my own game.

Please go witness Lachie Ladfield's comic it is a work of pure and utter genius that I can never match.

http://animemeheaven.blogspot.com.au/2016/04/blog-post.html

War of the Betas

A long time ago, there was a beta uprising.

And they won.

They shot up every school, cinema and restaurant for miles.

But that was only the beginning, thousands more rose up all over the globe.

The authorities, our military, they were just no match against the unbridled rage of one who has no gf.

Most people fled underground, but me and my companions went to the desert, thinking they wouldn't follow us there. After all, we were more or less betas ourselves. But we didn't want what they wanted, we wouldn't destroy society because we were hurt by it or whatever. We just wanted to play some goddamn video games. Perhaps in their eyes we were just more Chads and Stacies. We were never certain until the day they attacked.

There were at least 20 of them, easily overpowering our small village. But accompanying them were the infamous Pepebots. Infernal machines built in the likeness of their dark gods. Inside them held numerous spinning, grinding mouths that would eviscerate any man or tendie that stood in their path. Their mighty screams could be heard for miles, a haunting ree that signaled the incoming terror.

The oldest beta approached me, his katana drenched in blood and his fedora decorated with many medals. "Are you the leader of this settlement?"

"Yes." I hesitantly replied.

I was lying.

He slowly reached into his schoolbag, still spattered with gore and pulled out a Yu-Gi-Oh duel deck, passing it to me.

"Then it's your move."

Now I didn't know dick ass shit about Yu-Gi-Oh so I was hella fucked. His fellow betas surrounded me in a tight circle.

Luckily for me, before anything could begin, a sandstorm blew in. I knew this was my chance as the beta scrambled for his cards.

I screamed. "SO I PULL OUT MY GUN" And pulled out my gun.

I shot the beta master once, he dodged immediately. My second shot grazed his fedora and sent it flying into the wind. My third shot hit him right in the knee, he collapsed, writhing in pain. My fourth and final shot, hit him dead centre.

But he had been concealing a suicide vest this whole time. He exploded, leaving a huge crater in the centre of town.

The sandstorm had quelled our commotion, so no one could tell what was going on. When the dust settled and there was only a crater left they were probably thinking we had a sweet anime battle or something.

One of the townspeople ran up to me to see if I was okay. "I'm fine" I insisted. (I was lying, again) But I couldn't say the same for the betas. Only their katanas were left, the ancient Japanese steel was seemingly indestructible.

That's when I noticed something at the bottom of the crater, buried in rubble I saw a rare commodity, forgotten by time.

VIDEO GAMES.

As the rest of the town gathered around me, the Pepebots roared to life, eager to avenge their masters. They forced us into the crater, then slowly came in. Their abyssal mouths at the ready.

But my people were ready to die for a chance to play some vidya, they picked up the katanas and prepared for battle. My kind of people, I thought, as I clutched the katana the beta master once held.

The Pepebots just couldn't handle handcrafted Japanese steel, it would jam their machinery or even slice the teeth right out of them. Defenseless, they were pummeled with rocks and nearby debris until they were completely destroyed.

We rose out of the crater, victorious. This would be it, we could finally play some goddamn vidya.

I got a copy of Spyro 3 for my valiant efforts, which is freakin' sweet because that game is fire, yo.

We played vidya for days, my people were finally happy. Morale was at an all-time high.

Which is when we realized what we were capable of.

We could fight back.

Our town went out in teams in all directions, ready to purge the wicked betas from this land.

As shrines to the mighty kek fell, the betas realized what they feared deep down inside.

We would be the ones to reclaim the world.

A Complete History of the Ryan Takanashi Series

Time to take a trip down Memery lane and witness the comics that made the Ryan Takanashi series a very sad reality.

Contrary to popular belief, RyanXCaleb was actually the first RT comic ever made, masterfully created on the 16th of December, 2014.

Such intense sexual frustration would never be seen again between these two characters, so it's generally assumed to be non-canon.

This was also the only comic to be recreated in BLISTERING HD exactly four months later.

But Ryan's sexual appetite can't be sated (much like his actual appetite) and not two minutes after fucking Caleb, still clinging on to his back, begging for more, had a go with Brundon.

Missing his trademark top hat and monocle, this is very obviously not canon at all.

Besides, fucking Ryan would be like fucking a beached whale made out of jelly that was also retarded, nevermind the fact that if he went top he would crush your fucking ribcage or him being a bottom bitch would have you engulfed in his fat folds.

I have given this way too much thought.

Not even a minute after that, Thomas got sucked in to Ryan's boyish charm. Nice hair, Thomas.

But of course, Ryan Takanashi really took off after the thrilling trilogy: RyanXSanta

Why did this happen? What is the context behind this riveting tale? Why are all these comics about sex?

I don't know, but one can only assume that Ryan's anal devastation warped him into the twisted, bitter being that he is today. (further analysis in the Ryan Takanashi: Origin Stories, coming never.) As things take a turn for the worst and Ryan gets very, very fat.

Failing to find himself a m'lady at hooters...

...And at a Maid Cafe...

...And even with some random girl he was talking to one night...

He finally manages to get laid with Thomas again.

And so began the #GetTaxToPax campaign, of which there was only one donator.

Then Thomas did a thing.

Tensions begin to escalate between Ryan and Brundon, and people began to lose hope getting to pax with Ryan's constant tantrums.

Ryan starts to get really fucking salty.

Only in-universe did we ever make it to pax, and of course a fight broke out.

This also spawned one of the first and greatest fanfictions by Thomas Rucioch, The Showdown:

It all started on the second day of PAX, the air was thin, the sun was shining a blazing heat causing Ryan Takanashi to sweat uncontrollably. Next to him was his 4 companions Thomas Kun, Lachy the loose cunt, Caleeeeeeeeeeeeb and Brondon from London. Normally Ryan would also be accompanied by his Harem but sadly they were too tired to walk after the amazing sex he gave them the night before. Ryan moved his hanker chief across his face wiping the sweat off of it. Sadly doing this allowed his enemy’s to catch him off guard. Suddenly Jim and his team of Lads Clay, Mackenzi, Steven and Riley appeared only a couple of feet away from him. Every single person at PAX stopped moving and just stared in fear as they knew shit was going down. Jim drank his last bit of beer then crushed the can. Ryan Takanashi knew that strength like that was not to be trifled with. While never averting his gaze from Jim, Ryan slowly unsheathed his part of his katana allowing the sun to reflect of its steel. This gave his companions the signal to prepare for battle. Caleb pulled out his mother fucking nun chucks and swung them around furiously until he accidently hit himself knocking him out. The first casualty of the battle but certainly not the last. Thomas pulled out his phone and started playing nekopara vol 1 mobile edition with his hands in his pants claiming he had an itch on waist. Brandon knew there was only one thing he could do in such a situation. He pulled out his emergency tea kit and thought of how he could make this into a new comic while sipping his tea. “Lets fuck em up bois” Jim shouted as he lead the charge with his lads following right behind him. Knowing that Ryan was the deadliest of the bunch Jim decided to take him out first. As they reached him Ryan fully unsheathed his katana, threw his fedora into the air and moved so fast it was impossible to see what had happened. By the end of it Jim and his lads had somehow run past Ryan. Jim looked around confused at what had happened. It was then he saw the horrible sight that unveiled in front of his. Stevens dead body lied there on the ground with a picture of one of Ryan’s wifu’s drawn on his back with his blood. Jim turned in anger to see Ryan catch his fedora and tip it towards him. It was then that Jim felts something weird move past his feet. It turned out to be a thick river made of dark hair moving towards his allys. Riley didn’t even had time to react and the hair picked him up and started squeezing the life out of him. He tried to break free was knew it was pointless. His eyes follow the hair to its source which happened to be Thomas who was still playing nekopara and not even paying attention to the battlefield. Thomas then looked directly into Riley’s eyes and said “I swear im playing this ironically”. These were the last words Riley would hear as he gave his final gasp and died. Thomas then focused his attention back to nekopara allowing clay to sneak up on his. Clay used his already lit bud to set Thomas’s hair on fire but he didn’t even react. He then lit up in combustion of flames but even has he turned to nothing but ash his eyes never strayed away from nekopara not even once. Clay then pulled out his Gallon milk carton of LSD and took it all at once. He then just kept repeating “all these squares make a circle” until he collapsed and died as a drug overdose. “Lachie mate wanna get fucking smashed tonight” offered Makenzi. “Don’t do it Lachie” pleaded Ryan as Lachlan stood there wondering what choice to make. Eventually he made his decision and replied to Makenzi’s offer saying “fuck yeah cunt just let me call the boys up first”. He reached from his phone and whispered into it so nobody would hear what he said. Suddenly a Ute began approaching with a bunch of Lachlans friends in it. They were clearly intoxicated as fucking dicks cause they let the black friend drive. Apparently he forgot how to break because they didn’t slow down and crashed straight through the PAX arena killing Lachlan, Makenzi and a lot of civilians before eventually crashing into a transformers cosplayer causing their ute to explode in a fiery blaze. This left only Jim and Ryan left cause Brandon wasn’t going to do shit and just stood there still judging everyone calling them CIS scum. “your memes were impressive today Jim, I haven’t had this much fun since cosplaying as Issay at anime-con” “Well sadly for you I don’t play for fun, I play to get good!” Jim then called upon the power of all the champs he owns on his league of legend account infusing it with his own body. Brandon sipped his tea and stared at Jim in disgust judging him for buying champions with real money. “Stop your body can’t take that kind of power” yelled Ryan “that’s what you think Ryan Takanashi but I go to the gym”. Jim then snared ryan with the powers of Lux and morgana Immobilising him for an unreasonably amount of time. Every time the spells would end Jim would already have the ready again thanks to powers of Katarina’s resets. Jim then repeatedly assaulted Ryan with Yasou’s ult while laughing at ryans screams of pain. “This is almost as funny as the time they removed DFG from the game”. Everyone went silent as Brandons tea cup was dropped and broke on the ground. Jim turned towards and furious Brandon. “You triggered me” He yelled as he charged towards Jim raising his fist in the air. Suddenly he stopped right in front of Jim with his first just inches from Jims face. Brandon felt a sharp pain on his stomach but couldn’t bear to look. Jim grabbed his hair and forced him to look as Rivens blade which had pierced right through Brandon’s stomach. Jim pulled his blade back and threw Brandon to the floor “that’s what you get for not playing meta” he laughed as Brandon felt his life beginning to fade away. Jim then saw that a huge glow of light had appeared behind him. “Oh no” he said and he realised he had forgot to keep stunning Ryan again. He turned to see Ryan Floating in the middle of the air in a sailor moon outfit. “I have called upon the powers of all my wifu’s to defeat you Jimmy senpai”. Ryan the put his hands down his pants and pulled out his trump card… the final piece of exodia the forbidden one. “No exodia that’s not possible” Jim yelled as he felt his life points dropping to zero. He then collapsed and asked how this had happened. Ryan stared at Jim, put 2 of his fingers up and said “Ya-Ta”. A blazing light then burned through Jim destroying him. Ryan didn’t have time to celebrate as he ran straight to Brandon was barely alive and lying on the floor. Ryan started to cry as Brandon asked “was it worth it?” “of course it was I got heaps of karma from it” ryan replied. Ryan then closed his eyes and kissed Brandon on the lips as the sun set behind them. When he opened his eyes Brandon was dead. Ryan then stood in front of all of his dead friends and saw a women cowering in fear. He looked directly towards her, tipped his fedora saying “m’lady” and walked off into the distance

Not the first time Lachlan's betrayed us.

After that fiasco, Ryan ddosed me for the first time, properly initiating me into the group.

With the dream of getting the Memesquad to pax dead thanks to Ryan's constant bullshit, RT comic production went into an all-time high, along with Ryan's fat boy fury. This ushered in the very first Triggering, where Ryan actually threatened to report me to the police for cyberbullying. Completely ignoring the constant ddos attacks and verbal abuse he was laying on me just because I made a fat joke.

Nobody took him seriously, of course, and even more comics were made.

 Even our very own Caleb Oldmeme got in on the action.

And Jimeme made one too.

This outraged Ryan, who promptly swore to leave the group forever. History was made, and so were more comics.

He came back four days later.

This marked Lachlan's first official appearance in the comics, only to be eaten by Ryan.

An offshoot timeline was also created where Ryan never returned to the Memesquad.

Now with the Ryan Takanashi series reaching universal acclaim, concepts for the first movie comic started rolling out as early as February 4th, nearly three weeks before Ryan Takanashi: The Movie: The Comic began production.

The movie comic had rave reviews and was widely considered a commercial success and groundbreaking in the realm of movie comics, everybody loved it.

Except Ryan.

Ryan was also planning to ruin the last bastion of hope he couldn't get his grubby hands on, the Xbox One.

This was on the 4th of March by the way, it's nearly been a full year since then and Ryan still doesn't have an Xbone. (Thank god.)

This was the last comic to be made before the release of Ryan Takanashi: The Movie: The Comic 2: The Return of Ryan, which is the greatest Ryan Takanashi comic ever created.

Given it's even greater success than it's predecessor, work began on a visual novel that Ryan immediately tried to ruin.

We never got anywhere with the visual novel though because I am a lazy fuck that never got around to drawing the sprites.

Maybe one day, boys. Maybe one day.

Meanwhile, after taking so much banter and being incapable of dishing it out, Ryan's life spiraled out of control, and he took to drinking.

And just generally getting really pissy.

Then Jim started to defend Ryan, probably because he wanted to play devil's advocate out of pity, or something.

By this point, Ryan has gone almost completely insane and delusional, even developing a split personality: Ron Paul.

Ryan's ddos attacks towards me became more frequent and he even tried to pass them off as lag.

Ryan's stress eating reached an all-time high, just in time for his birthday.

Ryan also revealed himself to be a massive fucking dumbass.

He also started making comics of his own, and they were really shitty.

Ryan continues to get edgier and edgier.

 By this time the Goonsquad showed up and really showed their true colours in another great Triggering where Ryan did nothing but spam k for half an hour.

After such a crushing defeat, Ryan became incredibly salty.

After this, Ryan Takanashi 3: Autism Rising was made, and it was the worst Ryan Takanashi ever made.

Not bad, mind you. Just the worst in comparison, but it's the most important plot-wise and really sets up the sequels.

Then there was the infamous Minecraft triggering, where Ryan went completely insane and threw an earth-shattering tard rage that was felt far and wide.

Ryan's arguments all boiled down to the same thing.

And then the fourth triggering happened, where Jim got sick of all the constant arguing and joined the wrong side and then argued.

Of course that did fuck all and Ryan left the group again.

He returned as a glutton that feasted on misery, with an undying vendetta against Brundon, who never did anything wrong.

After ruining League for everyone, Ryan had another triggering and left the group again.

AND THEN THERE WAS ANOTHER MOVIE COMIC

Ryan Takanashi: The Movie: The Comic 4: The Return of the Revenge of Ryan was seen as a return to form by many, finally resolving the RyanXJim ship, an insanely popular yaoi pairing, even to Ryan himself. But now they could only smoke weed and touch butts in anime heaven.

OR COULD THEY?

There were no comics made between Ryan Takanashi 4 and Ryan Takanashi: The Movie: The Comic 5: Ascension (Which was originally named The Final Level but Thomas came up with the better name.) But there was a concept made for a HD Ryan that of course, never saw the light of day because drawing it required more than minimal effort.

Now with the Ryan Takanashi saga over and Ryan Takanashi: Forever in full swing, the future of the Ryan Takanashi series is...still entirely in my hands, really. But anyone can make an RT comic as long as you don't try to fuck with the canon.

Then there were some more triggerings and ddos attacks.

Then some more stupid shit happened.

 And there it is, every Ryan Takanashi comic, which actually make their own connected story and could probably be considered even better than any movie comic ever made. Fuck.