Underwater.
Hm, good start.
Confused as to why I wasn't currently drowning, I look down to further assess my situa-
Oh.
Oh.
Ohhhhh nnooooo.
 |
| I am the River King. |
As I rise to the surface, I come face to face with my captor.
He looks angry.
Like "I just got blown the fuck up but now I'm back and looking for revenge" angry.
That's pretty angry.
He stares at me for what feels like hours, then finally speaks. "Demon...I have a deal for ye."
He paused briefly, assuming I had something to say. "Not even the River King can escape that cage you're in, but I can help you..." He steps closer "For a price."
"How deeply ironic that I of all people am forced into a position to bargain." I say, doing my best Tahm Kench impression, even Gangplank seems taken aback at how horrifically autistic I am.
He begins pacing back and forth, "I lost my pistol when that wretched witch Fortune blew up my ship, and I know for a fact that she keeps it as a trophy only because it was the next best thing to my head on a platter." He smirks slightly. "Fortune and her crew are stationed on some fancy palace on an island far from here, I'll let you out of that cage, and you will go there and take my gun back, only to spite her.
And one more thing: Don't be seen. I don't want Ms. Fortune knowing that I had a disgusting monster take my possessions back, I want her to be scared, confused. I want to send her a message.
A message that I'm back."
"Well that is a most splendiferous offer I cannot possibly refuse." I say, grinning eagerly.
"I thought ye'd say something like that." With a single swing of his sword, he cuts through the bars of my cage and I am sent back into the water, I then make my abyssal voyage to the lair of Ms. Fortune.
Despite not knowing where the fuck I should be going, I just sort of magically end up exactly where I'm supposed to be, and I spy the palace that I have to enter. Aren't you not supposed to build houses on sand?
Whatever, I sneak over to it as quietly as a fat fish-man can and I search for an entrance, I find an air vent and I begin to remove the grate.
Just as I do this however, I see someone out of the corner of my eye.
"Holy FUCK it's Tahm Kench." I hear her say, it's a guard.
She whips out a fuckin' nightstick like I'm supposed to be threatened by that. This bitch seems to have forgetten that I AM THE RIVER KING.
Without thinking, I open my mouth and bat the guard away with the massive flailing tongue of THE RIVER KING, sending her high into the sky, never to be seen again. Another guard rounds the corner, swords drawn, what the fuck ever, I knock her to the floor and crush her under my foot.
"It's good to be king." I say proudly.
I pause for a minute, making sure that no one else heard the commotion, I dispose of the guards body in the ocean and crawl through the air vent.
Now in the palace, I find a small bathroom where a guard is doing her hair, typical woman. Proudly displayed on the wall is Gangplank's prized pistol, I can't believe my luck. Refusing to question why it's in a bathroom and not a trophy room or something, I nab the gun as fast as lightning and begin to make my escape.
How the fuck a massive fish man is doing some mad stealth shit is beyond me.
Just as I'm about to make my escape, I see a guard walking up the hallway to my left, and another one on my right. Panicking, I scamper into the living room next to me and hide behind the curtains like a fucking five year old.
Looking at my HUD, I notice I only have 10 seconds until my ult is off cooldown.
Fuck fuck fuck, I stand still and stay as quiet as I can until I can get the fuck out of here. I hear footsteps, muffled voices and my heart pounding in fear. BAM, the split second I am able to, I teleport the fuck out of there and back into the sea.
It is now evening as I make my way back to Gangplank, he's standing at the shore, waiting for my arrival.
For a man who lost his kingdom, even someone as stoic as Gangplank seems oddly cheery about his whole situation...when I saw what was going on, I realized why.
Behind him was Ms. Fortune, all tied up.
As I hand Gangplank his gun, he smiles. "You work fast."
I briefly glance at Ms. Fortune, then return my attention to Gangplank. "And you work faster." I reply.
"Yes, a surprise visit from the woman who crippled my nation." He motions towards his men "Take her to our newly acquired ship, I want to do this slowly."
He turns back to me. "Your work here is finished demon, you can return to your fetid waters now...Unless you want to watch."
"If I may see the fruits of your labours, captain. I deeply enjoy misery."
He chuckles lowly. "As do I, very well then." We walk on to Ms. Fortune's former ship, I'm especially careful not to sink the fucking thing under my weight.
Gangplank unsheathes his blade as he approaches Ms. Fortune, kneeling on the ship's edge. "It's a dying art, lass." He says as he artfully slices at her flesh. "Few have the patience for carving bone these days. It takes time. See? Every cut has a purpose." It went for hours, it was quite incredible as he cut wounds into her body, ignoring her desperate screams for mercy.
After a while, Ms. Fortune started twitching violently, ruining Gangplanks masterpiece. Frustrated, he growled lowly, carved a crude dick on her face, then dropkicked her into the sea.
"Rotten bitch." He mutters as he retires to his quarters. I glance over to the somewhat terrified underlings of Gangplank staring uncomfortably at THE RIVER KING. I figure it's time I took my leave, I jump off the ship and into the depths below, eager to strike another bargain.
Wait no okay I'm somewhere else now.
Looking down, I notice I'm back to my old human self, complete with...Ouran Highschool Host Club uniform?
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| KISS KISS FALL IN LOVE |
I'm completely fine with this.
As the Host Club and I waltz up to our school, I'm getting red flags once we have to climb over the front gate to get inside, that's not something a posh school does, is it? We're certainly not here after hours.
But then, upon closer inspection, it seems like Ouran High School has gotten fucking trashed.
Buildings are on fire, the pavement is horribly cracked, and thugs are running around beating people up.
One of the horribly bullied is a crossdressing young boy in tears, my fraternal instincts kick in and I ask him who beat him up so badly. He points to a group of rugged teens rounding a corner out of sight.
I follow them as we reach a bridge overlooking a lake, then confront them with the Host Club backing me up. The leader of the thugs goes to deck me in the face, but is suddenly dropkicked off the bridge by some random girl.
I woke up after that. I guess that's where my brain drew the line, being saved by a woman, pssh.
